


Icarus

by FarenMaddox



Series: KuroFai Olympics entries [5]
Category: RG Veda, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Intersex Character, Other, Space Stations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarenMaddox/pseuds/FarenMaddox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They fall in love while living in Eole Space Station.  They raise their kids together while living in Eole Space Station.</p><p>They might also be dying there, if they don't do something fast.</p><p>My entry for the 2015 KuroFai Olympics, Team Sci-Fi, prompt 'Daddy Daycare'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome to my entry to the 2015 KuroFai Olympics. This entry is for Team Sci-Fi, for the prompt 'Daddy Daycare.'
> 
> I elected to use gender-neutral pronouns for all characters, and I think you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly.
> 
> The poetry that is quoted in a few places comes from the prologue track to Brave Saint Saturn's 'The Light Of Things Hoped For' album. The song that Fai sings was written by CLAMP for Clover.
> 
> Enjoy the story, and don't forget to vote over on the DreamWidth community post when you're done.

 

_in perfect orbit they have circled_

_as the light of many worlds falls softly on their skin_  
  


 

I don't have a lot of clear memories of my father.

Before you assume that I do not remember nem and use it as fuel for your tragedy porn just because it's the fifteenth anniversary today, let me finish.

I have a lot of memory of nem. I feel that I have to redefine this word to convey my point. Memory, like an object, like a blanket I can draw over my head and block out sensory input and a cocoon I can live inside of on the days I need to.

I explained it that way to Fai once. Ne made me an actual blanket, a warm and fluffy red fleece thing, and sometimes the two of us sit under it together, on the days when we both take a break from our work to breathe. I haven't got the heart to tell nem that warm and fluffy describes Fai nemself, and that sitting under it makes me happy because it's us, not because it's my father.

Fai never let me call nem 'Dad' even though ne eventually caved in and let me call nem 'Mum' sometimes. Ashura always used them interchangeably, and I guess when I was little I was confused why I couldn't, but I see it now. If 'Dad' could ever be used by me to mean Fai, then my father would have gone farther away than Fai could handle.

Memory. It's a journey, sort of. I pull it around me and I feel things.

I remember the callouses on Dad's hands, the sort of yellowish tint to nir skin there and how one of nir fingernails was always dark with bruising because ne always forgot to wear gloves while working.

I remember this time when ne took off nir prostheses while I was still awake and let me see, because I asked to. Not because I remember really clearly what nir legs looked like without them. Just the way nir voice was scratchy because ne thought I would be afraid of the scars, and I wasn't.

I remember the taste of algae, that fistful of harvested algae I scooped up when I got a tour of the fuel production facilities and shoved it in my mouth. I must have been about three. Fai was there, and ne tells me the whole story of watching my father try not to laugh even though ne was scolding me, the way ne shoved my face into nir shirt to keep my angry crying from being disruptive. I don't remember all that, just the way I tried to scrub my tongue with nir shirt to get the taste off. It still makes me gag if I get my face too close to a damp shirt.

Fai has lots of stories like that.

I have two.

I have sensations and images and bits and pieces, and I have quilted them together into Memory. But when it comes to narrative, a beginning and middle and end that tell a story, there are just two.

One is the time my father put me to bed early. I'd been playing lots of physical games with the other kids and tired myself out, and I'd drowsed off over my dinner. Ne carried me to our room and put me to bed, and said I should sleep while ne had a quick meeting. Ne said ne'd be back in an hour and if I woke up and wanted to leave our room, I should tell my aunt and uncle in the rooms next door.

I woke up after a ten minute nap, thinking it had been hours, and decided I had to go find Daddy. I think I was four. I decided ne would be in nir main workroom and that I would go there and ask nem to come back to our room and read me a bedtime story.

Normally I would have been fine asking Chitose or Fai or nearly any of the adults for a bedtime story if my father wasn't there, because everybody on the station took turns working in the daycare and I knew them all, but on this particular day it had to be Daddy. Of course, I did not tell anyone that I left.

I got out of our room and started wandering the halls. I had no idea how to get to the mechanical workroom from our sleeping quarters, and I just started walking.

I know most people remember my father as being very reserved. Not mean, just distant. Not prone to laughter, tears, or excessive sharing of personal information. I know why they see nem that way, I guess.

I also have to say, there is nothing dangerous I could have gotten into that night. It was a space station; there was only so far lost I could get. It was a space station designed to allow for children to be living on board. Everything even remotely dangerous was behind fingerprint scanners, and I wasn't even tall enough to reach the panels.

I got drowsy again and, not overly concerned that I hadn't found the mechanical workroom, went into a deserted leisure room and curled up to sleep in a foam chair.

Daddy found me. I was missing for less than an hour. Fai said all they had to do was watch video footage of our corridor to figure out which way I had gone, but in the time it took them to pull up the right time period and trace my path, Daddy had already run the entire circuit of the station.

I didn't know I was missing. I just know I woke up because I heard nir steps and saw my father bouncing toward me with those big springy strides and literally skidded onto nir knees and scooped me off the chair as ne slid by on the polished floor. I was crushed, hugged so tight I couldn't breathe.

Ne was gasping, and so out of breath ne couldn't really speak. But over and over ne was saying, “I love you baby, Daddy's got you, I love you, I love you, I love you . . .”

And Fai was the one who closed the door and stood in front of it so no one could come in or see it. If I had to guess, I would say that was the day Fai went from being 'one of the daycare daddies' to being 'Fai.'

You keep making these documentaries about my father and you always make a point of how ne held himself apart from others because of the secrets ne carried and how damaged ne was. You always say ne did what ne did because ne was conditioned to, because ne was a soldier.

I can't believe you can interview everyone ne ever met and still not know anything about nem.

Ne did it because there were fifty-three people on that station and that included nir family. Ne did it because I needed to be saved and ne is my Daddy. Ne didn't need to be conditioned to make that decision. You just can't understand that my Daddy's heart was big enough to carry all of us in it.

The next person who wants to make a documentary about some cold-eyed soldier is getting a visit from nir daughter and it's not going to be for an interview.

My other story is about the few moments we had together on that last day. You don't deserve that story.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The violent impact shook the whole station just before dinnertime. Those on rotation to cook were already hard at work in the kitchen when it came. Hands instinctively clamped down on the knives and allowed chopped vegetables to go scattering over the tiled floor.

It came when Fai was in the research laboratory with Shuko and Ichiro, feeling good about the discussion they'd just finished. They were agreed that they needed about four more years on their project before they'd be ready for a test run.

Honestly, the part Fai was most excited about was the anticipated relief about being able to tell nir partner what ne had been doing all day for the past couple of years.

The labs were mostly empty for the moment. They had two rooms in this wing, one for Karura and Chitose's research of planet Cobalt, and one where Fai and his companions were working on something kept far more under-wraps.

Karura and Chitose were scheduled to go collect samples planet-side tomorrow, so heavens knew they'd be making late nights of it for the next few weeks. They deserved to close up shop a little early when they could. Fai could look through the window into the green room next door to the lab, and could see Karyoubinga and Ryuu wrapping up for the day themselves. They should be scheduled for an algae harvest from the tanks in the next couple of days.

“Right, you two, I think we can call it a night,” Ichiro said cheerfully.

Fai stretched nir arms and groaned in relief. There was an onboard chiropractor and masseuse for Eole Station that ne was considering availing nemself of. Ne would take a look at the digital calendar and book nemself in later.

Ne wondered if Kurogane was off-duty yet. Normally the fuel production equipment didn't need a lot of hands-on attention, so Kurogane usually just did a quick morning inspection and had a quick meeting with Ryuu or Karyoubinga before moving on to maintenance work in other areas. They didn't get to see a lot of each other during the day, unless they were on daycare or kitchen duty together.

Kurogane had probably already grabbed the kids out of the daycare rooms, Fai thought with a smile, and was probably already listening with long-suffering patience to whatever utter nonsense they had to share while ne jostled them into washing up for dinner and walking to the dining hall to offer to help if the kitchen crew needed it.

Fai was halfway out the door with a cheerful word for nir fellow physicists when ne was tossed violently to the floor.

It felt like someone picked the entire station up and shook it. Ne threw nir arms around nir head instinctively, curled up to protect nemself and scrabbling to get under a work desk. It was ingrained in kids who'd grown up in the human settlement on Olympus and dealt with frequent terraquakes all their lives.

Ichiro and Shuko were in the same position, on their knees with their heads ducked down and clinging to the bolted-down legs of their workstation.

The shaking lasted only a few seconds. Fai uncurled first, with a hoarse and giddy laugh.

“Well that clearly was _not_ a terraquake, but my partner may have just blown up an engine—”

Ne stopped. Stared in horrified shock.

Ichiro and Shuko saw Fai's face before they saw the damage. The way they turned was slow and careful and afraid of what they were about to see.

Their laboratory had two windows. One overlooked the rich expanse of space they were parked in, with the curve of the planet Cobalt looming large. The other window looked into the algae fuel production room next door to their lab—nicknamed 'the green room' and hardly ever referred to as anything else.

Fai was staring through the window into the green room because it was _gone_.

It almost didn't signify that horrible alarms were blaring and red strobe lights were flashing to illuminate the room. They barely heard it or understood it.

Karyoubinga. Ryuu.

The outer wall of the green room was sheared away and empty space was greedily sucking up the battered bits of equipment that had been shaken from their bolts by whatever had done this.

The two scientists were . . . not there.

“No, no, no, no,” Fai was whispering, not realizing it. Nir lips were too numb and body too cold to know anything.

Karura was one of their head biologists, but you wouldn't think so from the way ne crashed into the room like a bull in a china shop. “My sister!” ne panted. “Karyoubinga?”

The three of them stared at Karura. They couldn't tell nem because it wasn't _real_ yet.

Karura saw through the viewing window. The door that connected the lab to the green room was sealed up emergency-tight, but still ne let out an animal howl and flung nemself at it. Nir fingers were clawing at the security panel that would not accept a fingerprint unless the station captain came to input a security override.

“Kary!” Karura was roaring, banging on the door so hard ne could hurt nemself. The three other scientists moved shakily forward to try to get hold of nem and restrain nem. It seemed like the right thing to do. “Get me a suit, someone get me a suit right now do you hear me dammit—”

Heavy footsteps pounded and Captain Yasha lumbered into the lab. Ne took one look at Karura and shot nem in the back. As soon as ne hit the floor, the captain gave all three of them a hard glare.

“We have work to do.”

Ichiro let out a high-pitched and hysterical giggle in response.

“What's happening?” Fai whispered.

“We're in the middle of the biggest meteor shower I've ever seen,” the captain replied as calmly as possible. Under the circumstances. Nir voice was steady but nir knees were locked tight to keep them from shaking. Fai could see it from the way the captain was standing. “Cobalt has already taken enough damage that any biological life in the far hemisphere will be destroyed.”

“We—our shields, we have warnings to detect this stuff, we—”

“Tennou and I have been monitoring the storms since our sensors first picked it up. We raised shields an hour ago and we have been trying to use thrusters to get out of the path of the storm this entire time. We can't move quickly enough, the storm is too big. We've been trying to shoot down anything getting too close to us. We were just struck by a fragment that got past the shields. Tennou is still on guns trying to prevent any more impacts, but that's not going to work.”

It was increasingly obvious why Captain Yasha had walked away from emergency maneuvers to come to the laboratory.

“Captain,” Shuko said cautiously. “It's not— it's not viable. We need three more years, _at least_ —”

“You don't have three years, you have three minutes,” ne rasped. “I have no guarantee that the next impact isn't going to rip a hole in the station or crash through this lab and there are no other options.”

“We can do it,” Fai said, still numb, still staring through the viewing window at the hole where nir friends used to be.

“We can?” Ichiro repeated, startled.

“As long as it doesn't matter where we go.”

All four of them chewed on that thought for a moment. Fai felt hollow and afraid.

“Get to work,” Yasha said at last. “This is strictly need-to-know, nobody is coming into this lab or leaving it until it's done and you will not _tell a soul_ without my go-ahead. The _last_ thing I need is fifty people in a state of complete panic.”

“The alarms,” Shuko said helplessly.

“Kurogane is overriding them now. They should be turned off soon.”

“Captain,” Fai said, nir brain grinding infuriatingly slow. “We need fuel.”

Yasha's eyes flickered to the crushed production room. “We have ethanol reserves. I'll get them out of storage and get the tanks filled.”

“How long is that going to take?”

Yasha blinked, ground nir teeth together. Touched a button on the comm device ne wore by nir left ear. “Kurogane. Meet me in the research lab. As soon as you get that alarm—” The alarm abruptly shut off. “Right now.”

There was a slight crackle that must be Kurogane responding.

“Ashura,” Fai murmured. “Captain, our kids, my kids, they—”

“Are in the daycare facilities with some adult supervision. They're fine.”

Kurogane came bounding into the room with nir usual hell-bent manner. “What do you need me to do?” ne asked immediately.

Fai didn't know what it was displayed on nir face gave nem away, revealed the panic and fear and shock and _anticipation_ of what they were about to do—Kurogane came directly to nem and gripped nir arm tight. Steadying. They looked at each other and Fai almost thought for a moment that everything might be okay after all, somehow, now that Kurogane was here—

Kurogane saw Karura on the floor. “You tranqued nem?” ne asked, looking at Yasha.

Yasha nodded.

Kurogane turned toward the fuel rooms, but Yasha said, “Eyes on me, soldier.”

Fai had thought this situation was already as bad as it could get. Then Yasha said that, and the room went cold. Colder than the space lurking on the other side of the door. Just as breathlessly dizzying and terrifying. Soldier.

Technically Fai knew that Kurogane had been a soldier, even if most people did not. Still, Fai had never heard that word used as a term of address before, and then ne saw what it did to Kurogane and never wanted to hear it again. Wanted to be sick.

Kurogane's big shoulders snapped back. Hips went tight. Arms jerked straight. “Captain,” ne said automatically, no emotion. It was like ne disappeared and was replaced by a rejected clone.

“Everything that happens in this room is need to know only. That clear, soldier?”

“Very clear, Captain.”

“Good. You and I will retrieve the ethanol tanks from storage and get them connected to the system.”

Kurogane's eyes flickered from to the sealed door to Karura's unconscious body.

“The green room is gone,” Fai spoke up.

Kurogane offered the hint of a nod. Nir whole self was still rigid with control.

“Karyoubinga went with it,” Fai said softly.

Kurogane looked down at Karura one more time, then said once more, “Captain,” and the two of them bounded off to take care of the fuel situation. Fai was barely paying attention to the announcement that Yasha was making on the intercom as they went, something like, “Sorry about the alarms, there's been a minor incident but it's under control, everybody please carry on with dinner preparations . . .”

“Are we seriously going to do this?” Ichiro asked Fai and Shuko. They all looked at each other in wonder and terror. “No coordinates?”

The second impact shook Eole so hard that the three of them smacked into the window looking out, and for a horrible moment Fai was genuinely afraid they would crash through and into the black to join their colleagues.

“Yeah,” Fai groaned from nir place on the floor. “We really are.”

They got to work. Coding and computing and running and shouting and then with a whoop of sheer nerves and Ichiro's declaration that ne could really use a stiff drink they _did it_ —

Fai's head was squeezed into a vise. It didn't feel like they were moving, it felt more like they were _shrinking_ , but the pressure was building and building, and nir ears were aching and nir eyes were aching and ne was screaming right along with the others—

Screaming—

It was quiet.

Everything was quiet.

Kurogane had never been told the true nature of the project they'd been researching in this room, so Fai was somewhat impressed by how quickly ne figured it out when ne came running back into the lab. Ne looked out the window and did not see Cobalt, and looked back at Fai.

“We jumped.”

Fai's fingers were claws. Ne couldn't unclench them.

“Yes,” ne rasped. “We jumped.”

“To where?”

Fai laughed wildly. “I have no idea.”

“It's gonna take us weeks to get another green room set up, and you're the only one left who even knows anything about the algae itself. Those ethanol reserves are not going to last long enough for me to scrape up enough material to completely rebuild that system.”

“There kinda . . . are no ethanol reserves. We just used them. Most of them. We have a couple of days.”

Everybody was completely silent for a few minutes. No fuel, no idea where they had landed themselves, no time to fix it.

“What have we done?” Shuko muttered. “We haven't saved anyone, we've just condemned ourselves to a slower death.”

“Don't forget agonizing,” Ichiro piped up, face buried in nir hands.

Kurogane was the one who went to the intercom panel to make the announcement. They had no idea where Yasha had gone.

“Hey, everyone. The danger has passed, thanks to our captain and a handful of amazing crew members. We have taken a little damage, but only to some lab equipment. I repeat, we are out of the woods. Everybody take it easy and relax. You can sleep well tonight.”

Ne turned it off and turned to Fai. “I'll go to the kitchen and get a pot of coffee going. We have a lot of work to do.”

Fai closed nir eyes. “I need to see the kids.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane said softly, and drew Fai up from nir seat to be crushed into an embrace so tight it nearly suffocated. “Yeah, all right, let's go see the kids first.”

“You two go ahead,” Ichiro said softly. “Shuko, you too. Go pick up your babies and give them a kiss from their Uncle Icchan. My babies are just fine with their mama, and we have to get on top of this situation right now. I'll stay here and start planning the next move with Yasha. Um. Maybe could one of you ask a medic to come see if Karura needs medical treatment?”

Kurogane snorted. “It's just a tranq dart.” Ne quailed at the glare Fai turned on nem. “Yeah, all right, we'll find somebody.”

Fai rested nir head on Kurogane's shoulder, closed nir eyes. Just for a moment, just for strength, just here for a moment when it seemed like the end of the world.

It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

Launch day was Ashura's fourth birthday. It was a coincidence, but ne was convinced that Fai had magically engineered it for nem.

“Mum, we're going to space!” ne kept shrieking. Loudly. While tearing around the platform where everyone was waiting for boarding. “We're going to space for my birthdayyyyyyy!”

Fai took to just sitting on their luggage with nir face hidden in nir hands to avoid the shocked stares from the sober-minded scientists waiting to board the ship. Well, most of them, anyway. There was a person who had twins that were around Ashura's age, and when ne could get the one to stop teasing the other to the verge of tears for long enough, the glances cast Fai's direction were all sympathy and understanding.

There was an older couple who had another child, but that one was sitting quietly with nir legs crossed playing with a collection of toy dolls. They looked just as disapproving, and eventually one of the child's parents came over toward Fai with a careful expression.

“Dear, our Kaede would be happy to share a doll or two with your little one if ne wants to sit and play for a little bit.”

Fai wordlessly lifted the bag that contained Ashura's own dolls and other toys that were going untouched. “Ne's just very excited about the launch,” ne laughed weakly.

“Well, we're all excited, I suppose,” the other parent laughed weakly right back. “What's your name, dear?”

“Fai.”

Ashura came running and flung nemself onto Fai's shoulders. “This is my Dad!” ne beamed happily. “We're going to space for my birthday!”

“Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say Mummy earlier.” The voice of their slightly-unwelcome fellow traveler was sweet and immediately made Fai bristle with warning.

“Mum is my Dad,” Ashura said seriously. “Ne's both. I grew inside nem but sometimes ne wants to be my dad too.”

It made a warmth spread through Fai's middle. Ne'd never said anything like that to Ashura, but Ashura somehow just knew. It wasn't as though Fai's biology was unheard of in the modern age, so at least the other person didn't stutter around trying to figure it out. Ne just said, “I never heard of a parent not choosing to be called one or the other. How interesting! But then, you are very young, aren't you?”

Fai wondered if this person would be missed if Fai locked nem in the launch station bathrooms so ne couldn't board the ship.

“So, dear, are you joining the staff? It must be an exciting opportunity for you.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Well, it's unusual for someone to be chosen for such a lengthy term of service without being a really experienced domestic, but I can see the appeal—working in space!”

“Mum's very important,” Ashura piped up.

“Hush, love,” Fai said immediately, trying to cover Ashura's mouth with nir hand.

“What do you mean, darling?”

“Mum's a very important scientist. Ne didn't want to go to space because I'm only little, but Uncle Icchan said Mum is so smart and they need people like nem on the project. What's a dom-e-stick?”

“Ashura, grownups are talking,” Fai snapped.

Ashura drooped and made that _face_ , but before Fai could apologize, ne took off running again and started shrieking rather viciously about how cool the launch would be.

“Sorry, ne's a little rambunctious.”

“It must be hard being a parent so young. What does your darling little one mean, what science are you in?”

“Quantum physics, mostly,” Fai said shortly. Ne was done. Just done. “I have done a lot of work on basic systems of fuel production when I was in school, so initially I'll be helping with the set up of our fuel systems, but once everything's settled there I'll be dedicated to some research projects with Ichiro Mihara and Shuko Suzuhara. Sorry, what's your name? I forgot to ask.”

“It's not important,” the person muttered, and fled back to nir family. Fai did think ne might recognize the other parent. Maybe ne'd seen that one around Ichiro's labs?

Ashura eventually did fall into a fairly calm conversation with the twins, which led to Fai wandering over to talk to the twins' parent.

“Hi, I'm Chitose,” ne said warmly. “Um, actually, I know you, even if you don't know me. I'm married to Ichiro, these are our little terrors. Subaru and Hokuto.”

“Oh, how fantastic!” Fai cried, clasping both Chitose's hands in nir own. “I'm so glad to finally meet you. Do you know if there's going to be any other children on board?”

“I'm not sure,” ne said, gesturing for Fai to join nem on the little bench ne'd claimed. “I know there's already a few people stationed there ahead of us. Ichiro's already there, as I'm sure you knew.” Chitose chuckled, and said, “That was a bit brutal,” nodding at the little family who were all quietly ignoring each other.

“You almost feel sorry for them,” Fai snickered, but it fell a little flat.

“You get it a lot, don't you?”

“Every day,” Fai sighed. “Honestly, for all the extra crap I take for having nem, Ashura's the only thing that keeps me sane most of the time.”

“Ichiro adores you, you know,” Chitose said. “I'm sure once everyone gets settled in on board the station, you won't have to deal with it anymore.”

“If only it were that easy. I'm still trying to convince myself to think of it as anything except being locked up with no hope of escape.”

“Ten years is a long time,” Chitose said. “Ichiro said ne didn't even want to ask you, initially, but ne just couldn't see the project going anywhere if you weren't on it. What made you say yes?”

Fai shrugged. “A couple of things. The offer is just unparalleled, for one thing. It would take me another ten years just to get another offer like that if I stayed here. But honestly, the minute ne heard the words 'space station,' Ashura ran off to pack a bag. Ne's so excited, and that's the real danger of being a parent too young. I got excited just because ne did. I don't think ne quite realizes ne'll be entering a vocational program by the time we get back here.”

Chitose nodded at the twins. “They've been very serious about it so far, but I worry about whether they'll end up unhappy in a few years. Ichiro assures me that if it gets to a point where anyone's mental health is taking a major hit, they will send a ship out to us to remove anyone that wants to come back.”

“If anyone's going to crack up, it'll be Ichiro, so ne would know,” Fai said dryly.

They laughed, and Fai started to think that maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.

 

* * *

 

By Yasha's orders, dinner was not officially served that night until after Fai, Kurogane, and Shuko picked up their kids from the daycare room and got something to eat. Yasha wanted them to have a chance to have a meal with their families in peace and quiet so that they could get back to work and no one else on the crew even had a chance to ask them any questions.

Fai wasn't sure whether to feel grateful, guilty, or something else entirely.

Mostly, ne just felt sick. Ne picked at the food without even recognizing it, without noticing that it was tasteless and burnt because tonight's cooks had been too afraid to actually stand near the hot stove.

Ashura was plastered to Fai's side, picking at nir food right along with nem. Kurogane was eating mechanically, staring at nir plate and moving with a steady rhythm that suggested ne wasn't tasting a thing, either. Sakura at least seemed to be hungry, because ne kept wrinkling nir nose at the meal before continuing with the next bite.

Shuko wasn't even pretending to eat, ne was just breastfeeding Hikaru while nir four-year-old, Misaki, was excitedly describing exactly what it had been like when the ship had gone 'boom' and ne had fallen down and gotten a nasty bump on the head. The goose egg was purplish-red and shiny, but ne was nearly unfazed. Chunyan, their chief medical officer, had already looked nem over and declared that Misaki was fine.

Chitose was allowed to join them with Subaru and Hokuto. Considering that nir partner was currently hard at work trying to figure out where in the entire endless cosmos they were, it seemed wrong to keep Chitose entirely ignorant. Shuko had given nir a few bare-bones facts, although none of them had quite gotten around to telling Chitose about the fuel situation.

Hokuto, normally as chatty and nearly as wild as Misaki, was dead silent. Fai knew why. Subaru had fallen during the meteor impact, and now had a tight bandage wrapped around a sprained wrist, and was in pain. Hokuto did not do well with harm to nir twin. Not only that, but Subaru was off-the-charts sensitive, and seemed to know without being told just how bad everything was. Subaru was eating, answering questions, but with a troubled cast to nir face that aged nem about twenty years. Ne had already picked up on the fact that ne shouldn't ask what was wrong, and it was eating nem up.

Ne was only eight, Fai thought in despair. No eight-year-old should have to be this afraid.

And Ashura was trembling.

“Love, what's the matter?” Fai murmured, stroking Ashura's silky hair.

“I don't know,” ne whispered. “Daddy, you aren't eating.”

Ashura, too, tested as extremely sensitive to other people's emotions. Ne was going to be feeling whatever Fai felt, or at least whatever Fai projected. So Fai took a deep breath in. And out. And another. In and out.

Ashura had once been Fai's whole world. Kurogane's hand on nir knee, trying to instill comfort under the table, reminded him that nir world was just a little bigger now. And Fai would die before ne would let anything happen to these three, to either of these kids or to Kurogane.

So, that was that. There was nothing to worry about, because Fai would fix this. There was no option except fixing it. Fai let out that last deep breath, and picked up nir fork with a smile.

“That's because somebody burned it a little,” Fai said in a stage-whisper. “But we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so we have to eat it anyway, right?”

Ashura giggled, just a little, when Fai chewed the food with an exaggerated grimace. It was kind of awful, now that ne was paying attention. Some kind of squash that was half-charcoal at this point and could use some herbs to liven it up.

“I'll eat it too, Dad,” Ashura said eagerly, and copied Fai right on down to the faces ne was making.

They'd all been sitting there in strained silence until now, but Fai and Ashura managed to lighten the mood just a little. Just enough to choke down the meal so they could herd the kids back out of the dining hall and let everyone else in.

Kurogane snuck them out through the kitchen rather than using the main entrance. They all had dorms in the same area, so they went in a row like baby ducklings with a few too many mama ducks. Chitose and Shuko had struck up a quiet conversation, and Chitose was agreeing to have Misaki and Hikaru sleep in nir family's rooms with the twins.

Fai and Kurogane brought the kids to their own rooms, and looked at each other to try to figure out how to go about this. Normally they'd never be so desperately needed at the same time, and one of them would always be free to stay with the kids.

“Okay, you two, it's time to get ready for bed, and then you can play some games for a little while,” Fai said cheerfully when Kurogane did not seem forthcoming.

“Daddy!” Sakura said in shock, sounding utterly betrayed. “You said we could play in the anti-grav room after dinner. You _said_.”

Kurogane sighed, and carefully went down on a knee so ne could look nem in the eye. “I know I did, baby,” ne said quietly. “But that was before we had a big emergency that got Subaru and Misaki hurt. Remember what I said? We're not in any danger right now, but we have to work hard to keep it that way. Me and Fai have to go work, to make sure everybody is safe.”

Sakura's bottom lip was stuck out so far that Fai could practically use it as a shelf.

“I don't want you to go! You have to stay and play games!”

“Sakura, don't be a brat,” Kurogane said calmly.

“I am _not_ a brat!” ne yelled, and stamped nir foot.

“Mum, Sakura's being a big baby,” Ashura said. Trying to sound cool and aloof, because ne was thoroughly certain that being seven months older than Sakura meant Ashura was somehow a full galactic year more mature.

“You're a big baby!” Sakura fumed at Ashura, looking like ne was about to kick nem.

“Don't you dare,” Kurogane said firmly.

Sakura immediately turned around and stomped away.

“Sakura, get back here.”

“I'm brushing my _teeth_ ,” ne said mutinously.

Fai looked at Kurogane, who looked utterly exhausted and defeated by his six-year-old and was making no moves to go after nem.

“Ashura, I would like you to pick out a book to read,” Fai said, “and change into your pajamas. After that, I would like you to brush your teeth. I will talk to Sakura,” ne said, putting a hand on Kurogane's shoulder. “And then you and I should probably shower and get a cup of coffee and get back to the labs.”

“We can't leave the kids here by themselves,” Kurogane said.

“You can too,” Ashura said, puffing up nir chest with pride. “We can read and we'll turn out the lights at exactly twenty-one-hundred because that's bedtime, and we can go get Chitose if we need anything because ne's so close, and we can call you on the lab comm too.”

Fai shrugged at Kurogane, unable to help a wry smile, and then ne went into the lavatory and sat on the lid of the toilet and watched Sakura brush nir teeth with furious strokes and hot tears streaking nir cheeks.

“Do you want to talk to me about it, sweetheart?”

Sakura rinsed out nir mouth with dignity before turning to Fai and flinging nemself into Fai's lap. “You can't go away!” ne wailed.

“We're not going away, sweetheart. We just have to work tonight, that's all. We'll be here in the morning.”

Sakura was shaking like a leaf. “There was a crash. There was a big crash, and you won't tell us what's wrong, and something's wrong, and maybe we're gonna crash again and something big is gonna smash everyone and I don't want you or Daddy to be dead, I don't _want_ you to.”

“We're not—”

It stuck in Fai's throat, raw and aching. It wasn't a promise ne could make.

Kurogane came into the lavatory, alerting them to nir presence with the click of his carbon feet on the uncarpeted floor.

“Sakura, come here,” ne said.

Ne crawled out of Fai's arms and flung nemself around Kurogane's legs. “Please don't die, Daddy. I don't want you to die like Mommy.”

Kurogane's face stayed smooth, but Fai had learned how to read those eyes.

“I won't,” ne said simply.

“You don't know. Mommy didn't die on _purpose_.”

Oh no, Fai thought in dismay, watching Kurogane's heart breaking in nir eyes without saying a word. Kurogane had never said exactly how Sakura's mother had died, and maybe ne shouldn't have waited for Kurogane to volunteer and should have just asked.

Kurogane cleared nir throat. “I'm going to protect our family. That's my job.”

“I thought your job was to make sure the engine doesn't break.”

“That, too,” Kurogane said with a tiny, wry smile. “Sometimes, keeping the engine running is how I protect us. Sometimes it's other things. But it's always about making sure you're safe.”

“You're gonna protect Fai and Ashura too, aren't you?”

“They're our family, aren't they?”

Ne nodded, and started to squirm down out of nir arms. “I can be good. I'll put on my pajamas and I'll play my star racer game and go to bed on time, okay?”

“Can I have a kiss first?” Kurogane asked, and Sakura happily obliged nem with one on each cheek before running off toward the bedroom.

Ne just stayed there, leaning against the sink and staring at nothing.

“Ne never talks about nir mother.”

“I've noticed,” Fai said carefully. “It's because you don't.”

“What?”

“Sakura isn't going to talk about Souma unless you talk first. Ne doesn't know whether or not ne's allowed to.”

“Did Sakura say that?”

“No. But I imagine you've got all kinds of insights about my kid at this point, yourself. Don't be upset. One of the first things I learned in parenting classes is that parents can be really blind about their own kids and that's one of the big reasons it's best to have help.”

“I took parenting classes,” Kurogane mumbled, scowling faintly. “Everybody takes parenting classes.”

“But you just figured you were totally immune to making mistakes?”

“I didn't—”

“Hey,” Fai interrupted softly. “I think we can talk about this another time, yeah? We have kind of big situation we need to tackle first.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane said. “Yeah, you're right.”

They tucked the kids in, and took fresh clothes down the corridor to the communal bathing facilities. Sometimes it was nice to have a long soak in the big heated tub, but today there was no time, even though the place was deserted.

Everyone else was in the dining hall now, and Captain Yasha was probably soberly delivering the news that Karyoubinga, Ryuu, and their chief programmer Satsuki had been killed today. Two others were undergoing medical treatment, because they'd been doing inventory in the storage room beside the docking area when the dock was struck on the second impact.

It would be best to be out of here before anybody left the dining hall. It would be better to avoid any questions from the crew. Yasha's words kept ringing in Fai's head. _“The last thing I need is fifty people in a state of complete panic.”_

They stripped quickly, and Fai put all the clothes on a bench outside the shower while Kurogane dragged the shower chair into the stall and sat down to start removing nir prostheses. Fai generally gave Kurogane a moment of privacy for this, but today ne came in and helped Kurogane remove the padding around the sockets, and ne carried the prostheses over to the bench and put them beside their clothes. Kurogane had already turned the water on when Fai came back in, face turned blissfully up into the hot water, but turned when ne noticed Fai was still standing in the corner biting nir lip.

“What?” ne asked gruffly.

“You should leave them off for a while. We've got a chair folded up in the closet in our room, you could—”

“I'm not going to try to re-assemble the entire damned fuel system from a wheelchair, so forget it. We don't have time for me to whine about pressure sores. Get in here and hurry up, we have a lot to do.”

Fai let it go and jumped under the spray. Ne couldn't help a sigh of comfort as the heat started to sink in to nir tense muscles.

Kurogane's hand slid over Fai's hip and drew nem closer.

“Hey. We're gonna fix this.”

“I know,” Fai answered, eyes closed. They didn't have a choice, after all.

Kurogane's other hand went to Fai's other hip, and then ne started stroking up and down Fai's sides, hips, and thighs. It wasn't so much a sexual act as an act of comfort, like petting a cat, and yet Fai felt a warmth in nir belly that went to war with the nausea and fear that had been boiling in nir stomach all night.

“Hey, Kurogane?”

“Nnn?”

Ne tried to keep nir voice even, curious but not accusing. “You didn't tell me that Yasha was your commanding officer.”

“What? Ne wasn't.”

“But you . . .”

“Oh,” Kurogane said, hands still stroking cautiously. “No, it's just . . . The military trains us like that on purpose. It's, um. They want the behavior to be instinctual. So you don't have to think, you just have to _do_. That's how we keep our heads in bad situations. By just running on autopilot.”

“It scared me,” Fai admitted. “The way you responded to nem, it was like you were . . . like you weren't there.”

“Oh. Yeah, I can see that,” Kurogane admitted, bringing Fai around and nuzzling nir face into Fai's belly, the way that always made Fai giggle and squirm but never actually ask nem to stop. “I reacted that way because I was trained to and because it was . . . it was easy, because it was kind of instinctual for Yasha and for me to fall into those roles and just get shit done. I can decide not to. I'm not a soldier anymore. And I'm right here.”

Fai was sinking down onto Kurogane's lap without realizing it. Kurogane huffed a breath of humorless laughter, and yet nir hands were guiding Fai down and reaching up to cup Fai's face.

The kiss was slightly desperate.

“We don't have time,” Fai managed to gasp, even though ne was slowly grinding nir hips forward.

“We can be fast,” Kurogane murmured against Fai's ear.

A shudder went through nem. The tension ne had been carrying all night, the giddy relief at having successfully transported them instantaneously through space, the rush of fear and desperation and wild grief—it all turned itself into a spike that went down Fai's spine and into nir groin. Heat gathering between nir legs, and ne was rutting against Kurogane and feeling an answering heat and a growing erection.

Fai lifted up, but only long enough to guide Kurogane inside nem, then slowly sank down again, shivering and with fingers clawing into Kurogane's shoulders.

“Oh, oh, yes,” ne whispered.

Kurogane shoved nir face in Fai's neck and gasped, hips rocking strong but unsteady. Ne let out a strange whine.

“Come on, I've got you, come on, yes, so good,” Fai babbled. Ne had barely spoken all night, had wanted to say so much but there was nothing to say and no one to say it to. Now ne let it out all in a string of nonsense in Kurogane's ears. “Oh, yes, please, there, there, I love you I love you . . .”

Kurogane's teeth were gritted and nir face buried in Fai's shoulder, but ne never really said much during sex anyway. Nir had one hand on the shower chair to brace nemself, the other hand wedged between them to stroke Fai and stimulate nem. They didn't have time for slow burn, they didn't have time for Kurogane to get clever with nir tongue. It didn't seem important. Just having Kurogane buried inside of Fai while they held on to each other seemed like enough. Fai's belly was twitching with trying to hold onto the swell and buildup, while trying to squeeze nemself around Kurogane just right.

“Yes yes yes yes yes,” Kurogane groaned, over and over, breath hot against Fai's neck and fingers working.

Then Fai shuddered into climax and rocked with it, gritting nir teeth and closing nir eyes. Kurogane kept thrusting and Fai squeezed down on nem and tried to ride the wave of pleasure in rhythm with nir lover. Kurogane shouted out when ne came, but it didn't matter because they were alone in here anyway. They gasped and leaned together and finished off with hard, painful kisses to let out the last of the tension.

“Thank you,” Fai whispered as Kurogane reached up to wipe the soggy hair off nir cheeks.

“Thought that was my line,” ne chuckled.

“Come on, let's get cleaned up.”

Kurogane's face dropped back into sobriety, but nir voice was still light-hearted when ne said, “Right, we've got an entire space station to rescue.”

 

* * *

 

“Yo, are you in charge of this mess?”

Fai turned, already with a negative response on nir lips, and was met by something so bewildering that ne kind of shorted out.

“Nuh, um, what, who are you?”

Average height for a human being of any gender variant was 167 centimeters. There were lots of body types out there, but there was still an expected width of the shoulders and basic _structure_ that this person just _entirely_ failed to match up to.

Ne was just _big_.

Fai grew up amongst a lot of average people, most of them tending toward the same slenderness ne displayed nemself. It was bred into the population for generations by this stage. This person was just so unexpected.

“Was there an accident with testosterone manipulation when you were a kid?” ne blurted out.

That produced an ugly scowl. “My folks were old-fashioned. I never had any manipulation. I'll just head off what will no doubt be a tactful question and inform you that you should still be fucking polite and refer to me with acceptable pronouns.”

Fai knew ne had gone red from head to toe in shock and embarrassment. Ne spluttered wordlessly instead of producing any kind of helpful way out of this.

“I'm Kurogane. I'm gonna be the lead maintenance tech on this system, and I'm supposed to introduce myself to the lead production scientist and pick up schematics and start scheduling some meetings. If you're the lead, let's just skip to talking about work so we avoid pissing each other off.”

This was all delivered very calmly.

Fai had been taking nir whole life in stride and with grace. Supposedly ne was mature and socially capable, as a former gifted kid who had been allowed to test out of standard school. Nir recovery of the situation was not a good example of this.

“Oh, okay, come with me. The lead on the fuel system is actually Karyoubinga, ne's not here right now? But that's okay, because I know where ne put your copy of the schematics and ne honestly leaves me in charge of nir calendar half the time anyway, so I can schedule the two of you for an initial meeting, actually I should probably be in the meeting too so it's good that I'm here, we have a little mobile office over in the corner there but most of our stuff is in the labs, but I think your schematics are in here over on the desk—”

The gigantic nervous run-on sentence was interrupted only when Fai tripped over a stepladder.

Graceful in all things, that was nem.

“So what's your name?”

“Oh! Sorry. Fai. I'm Fai. Oh, good, here they are. I, um, I talk a lot. I'm sorry.” Fai unlocked the tablet and entered the security features while jabbering away. “I need your fingerprint, please,” ne said, thrusting the tablet nearly into that ludicrous outlier of a chest. Kurogane calmly added nir fingerprint to the system to allow nem to unlock the designs. “How's tomorrow at fourteen hundred for you, for the first meeting? I would talk you through some initial stuff right now, but I'm actually late for a meeting with Professor Mihara—”

“Tomorrow's fine,” Kurogane said, and there was just a hint of something tugging at one corner of nir lips. “Let go of the tablet.”

“Oh my god, sorry!” Fai somehow forced nir fingers let the thing go. “Yeah, that's yours, sorry about that. You're probably busy, too, sorry, go ahead—”

“Um.”

Kurogane was wearing such a weird expression. Half amused, half annoyed, and despite nir apparent fondness for speaking plainly so far, ne suddenly seemed like nir words were stuck in nir throat.

“What?”

Fai's stomach suddenly swooped, a little. Kurogane was wearing that face, that 'what's a child doing here?' face, or maybe it was gonna be the 'so what kind of gender are you _really_?' face. Ne took a deep breath.

“You're, uh . . .”

“What?” Fai snapped. If Kurogane was going to say something shitty, the hesitation and trying to look nice about it was not working. “I'm what? Clearly too young to be in charge of anything? Too androgynous for your taste? Well, sorry honey I'm _also_ an unplanned single parent. Triple threat!”

Kurogane actually bit nir lip to hold back something. Likely laughter.

“You're standing on my foot,” ne finally said.

Fai went cold all over. Ne was afraid to look down, but ne did it anyway. Ne was standing on a piece of sleek, flat carbon fiber that curved up and disappeared into the leg of Kurogane's gray utility pants. An identical shape revealed itself from the other pant leg.

Ne was standing on this person's prosthetic foot. Right.

Ne just made a squeaking noise and drew back a couple of steps.

“Sorry,” ne whispered.

“I gotta get going.”

“Right, see you tomorrow,” Fai whispered. Ne couldn't make nir voice do anything else.

“Probably sooner. I'm due for a four-hour shift in the daycare facility to hang out with your kid.”

“Can you please kill me now? I do not want to live.”

“What's your kid's name?”

“Ashura,” ne said automatically.

“My kid's name is Sakura. Ne's three. How old is yours?”

“Please kill me,” ne repeated.

“I'm actually less tempted now than I was when I came in.”

“Ashura's four. Ne's four.”

“My kid's bossy. Ne probably has yours wrapped around nir little finger by now. I'd better go do damage control.”

“Okay,” Fai said numbly. “See you.”

 

* * *

 

A hand fell warm and soft on Fai's shoulder and startled nem awake.

“Oh, sorry,” Chitose said softly when Fai took a sleep-muddled swing at nem.

“Oh, no, me, I'm sorry!” ne said, scrubbing at nir eyes with nir hands. Felt like nir eyes were full of sand. Felt like nir entire head was stuffed with nothing but. “Shit, I dozed off?”

“I brought you coffee,” Chitose said, holding out a lidded mug.

“Oooo,” Fai crooned appreciatively as ne took it. “Thank you. What time is it?”

“It's about noon.”

“It's tomorrow?” Fai blurted out in dismay. Ne frowned at the dimness of the room. “I don't know whether it was me or Kurogane who was sleep-walking, but somehow we both turned out the lights and went to sleep on the floor when we're supposed to be working.”

“Geez, you really did get delirious,” came a gruff, welcome voice as Kurogane entered the room— when had ne left? “The lights went out at about six o'clock, but Yasha kept them on in here so we could keep working. When I asked you for some screws and found you asleep, I had Yasha turn out the lights so we could take a nap. You've been out for about three hours. I already got up a little bit ago and checked on the kids. They're fine.”

Chitose handed Kurogane the other mug of coffee ne was carrying. “Here. Were you able to get a lot done?”

“Mmm,” Kurogane grunted in dissatisfaction. “It would be going a hell of a lot faster if Yasha would give me a dozen crew members. Ne's so concerned about keeping information restricted that ne would only give me Seiichiro, and ne has a freakin' head wound!”

“You have me,” Fai protested without enthusiasm. “I built stuff.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane said, carefully sinking the ground beside nem. “Still, the three of us can't exactly rebuild the whole system in a day.”

“We got a tank built. I can get some cultures growing while we work on the processors.”

Kurogane very carefully did not say ' _what's the point?_ ' despite how obvious the question was. It took over two weeks to grow and process a batch, which was why Karyoubinga and Ryuu had the tanks rotating constantly. The fuel they had was going to last them less than one week.

“Yasha's blocked off all projects until this is sorted. Everyone is restricted to dormitories, dining hall, and leisure rooms. Ichiro and Shuko are working out of a side room on the agriculture deck so we can keep the labs closed off.”

“We can't go to Cobalt for water. Have we found a nearby planet with water?”

Kurogane's grim face said it all. “We got the last shower.”

Chitose nodded at the mugs of coffee they were both sipping from. “You also got the last coffee. From here on out, it's chewable caffeine tabs.”

“Urgh,” Fai said, making a face. “Those things are nasty.”

“They're not that bad,” Kurogane shrugged.

The door to the emptied-out storage room hissed open yet again, and Yasha stomped in. “Oh, good, you're here.”

They both scrambled to their feet. “What is it, Captain?” Fai asked breathlessly.

Yasha looked . . . old. There were bags under nir eyes and nir hair was a straggled mess. “I need to talk to Kurogane.”

Chitose immediately excused nemself, but Fai didn't move.

“Fai,” Kurogane said cautiously.  
  
“Try me,” Fai snapped. “I'm not leaving.”

Yasha sucked in a deep breath. “Fine.”

For some reason, that put a sharp grin on Kurogane's face, and Fai took a step closer to nem.

“We've pinged out as far as we can. We are nowhere near any human civilization. There are two planets that may be within reach of a shuttle. One is pointless, the other has possibly . . . well, everything.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means it's a source of water, _surface_ water if you can believe it, which also likely means viable algae for immediate processing into fuel.”

“You wouldn't be saying this if there weren't a problem.”

“Tennou picked up signs of organic life.”

“You said that.”

Fai put a hand to nir mouth. “You're kidding.”

“What?” Kurogane barked.

“The captain means . . . intelligent life.”

“Fuck me with a rusty wrench,” Kurogane responded promptly. “You're telling me that we fucked ourselves six ways to Sunday and the only hope of getting ourselves out of it is _stealing from aliens_?”

“I wasn't suggesting theft,” Yasha shot back.

“Aliens,” Fai said, and giggled. “We're supposed to call them sentient native lifeforms.”

“Are you drunk?” Yasha asked Fai in bewilderment.

“I can't believe I killed fifty people so that we can finally discover aliens.”

“Okay, time out,” Kurogane said, and gripped Fai by the shoulders. “Number one, it wasn't your fault. Number two, nobody's dead yet. Number three, we don't know for sure if there's aliens. Oh, and number four, you are ridiculous when you don't sleep. Get a grip, drink your coffee, and let's get to work on that processor.”

Fai took a few deep breaths and nodded. “Can I take a break and get something to eat and check in with the kids?”

Yasha was generous enough to grunt and nod.

“Thanks. Come on, Kurogane, let's take a break.”

“Kurogane already saw the kids and got something to eat,” Yasha said. “Ne can stay here and work.”

Fai felt nir heart skip a beat. Ne didn't know what that meant. But it didn't mean anything good. Yasha was trying to keep on top of a really bad situation, that was understandable but . . . ne kept trying to get Fai and Kurogane apart. That meant something.

“What's going on?” Fai asked. “Really?”

Kurogane was searching into the captain's face, and it was Kurogane who answered. “Ne's sending me out for reconnaissance.”

“What?”

“With all due respect for your title, and all respect for how well you are handling this situation, my answer is no,” Kurogane said evenly. “You are not separating me from my family, and you are not taking me off this project. Not right now.”

“This is an order, soldier.”

Kurogane's eyes hardened. Ne didn't go blank like yesterday. Ne was still here. But ne didn't say no.

“Ne's not a soldier anymore!” Fai shouted at Yasha. “How dare you, how _dare_ you? This isn't a war! You don't know what's out there! You don't know what might happen, you don't know anything about this planet! Send someone who doesn't have a child, for pity's sake!”

Yasha sighed. That sad, old look came back to nir face.

Kurogane looked back and forth between them, and then started nodding like ne suddenly understood. “Fai, go check on the kids.”

Fai stared at nem, open-mouthed and spitting mad. “ _Fuck_ you,” ne said venomously, and stomped out.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_one moment a brilliant daylight will shift into the next_

_a flash of dark behind some distant, lost moon_

 

I don't think that Fai slept at all, in those few days after everything was over and when we knew that ships were coming to take us home. I was clinging to nem every moment I was awake, and ne was always sitting right beside me when I woke up. I'm not sure why ne watched over me so vigilantly. I think maybe ne was afraid to sleep anyway.

Even though ne was with me every moment . . . Fai wasn't my Daddy.

Every time I thought about my father being gone and not coming back, all I could think was that I would never feel safe again. Nobody would ever love me so much, not like that, not with all their heart, not big enough to make me not afraid of even the dark.

They put the three of us onto the first shuttle off the station. I guess they thought we deserved that.

My grandmother was informed right away, of course. She was my only living biological family. We'd only been on a surface world for a day or two before she demanded that we set up a hearing for custody. Fai was herding me and Ashura onto a skimmer train and telling me grimly that I had to be brave before I even knew what 'custody' meant.

I honestly didn't know that I knew her, not yet.

I just knew that I was tired of being brave by then.

Custody hearings are generally nice affairs. They take place in cheerful rooms with comfortable furniture and a tea service. A lawyer and social worker are appointed, they talk things over with the adults while the kids play on the floor.

Unless of course the kids understand what's happening and spend the whole thing shrieking and throwing teacups. That's been known to happen.

I didn't know my grandmother when Fai led us into the hearing room. Ashura got to stay with me, because everybody agreed I would be more calm and probably Fai would too. Ashura immediately, soberly went to the holo table where we could play computer games. But I was frozen. There was just this pretty lady standing there with tears in her eyes and gray in her hair. I didn't know her.

But she knew me. She went down on one knee and flung her arms out, and Fai kind of pushed me toward her.

Then I smelled her perfume.

Flowers in the kitchen window and warm soy milk and bubble baths and crying and crying and crying all the time and yelling at my Daddy and the guilt piling up and my squishy blue bunny and crying in an empty room where Mommy Used To Be

I burst into tears and flung myself into her arms. I don't remember my mother at all. I was only a baby. But I do remember my grandmother just a little bit. She thought it was Daddy's fault, except the air around her always tasted like her own guilt, not Dad's.

Nobody told me how my mother died until I was twelve. I can say for sure that it was not anyone's fault. Not even my mother's.

It was a kaleidoscope of tiny snatches of thought, there was nothing clear to remember, so I was confused about why I ached so much for the smell of Grandmum's perfume and why I wanted so much to be in her arms. She held me tight and cried on me, and I cried on her, and it was terrifying.

I didn't see Fai sit down on a comfy chair, face white as a sheet. I didn't hear what the social worker said to nem.

I just heard nem say, “Let's talk about what would happen if I moved here so she could see both of us.”

And somehow, even though I didn't know what was happening, I knew that I would be safe.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Fai was barely out of the room before Kurogane was glaring at Yasha with nir hands fisted, bouncing on the curves of his prostheses like ne meant to start something.

“You've got a lotta nerve,” ne seethed.

“What, you're going to argue that I'm wrong?”

“You've had just as much training as I have. Hell, you've probably stayed in better condition than I have. How far is this planet out, anyway?”

“It'll take you about two days in the fastest shuttle we've got. We've only got one shot at this, and you know that means we have to send our best.”

“And I'm saying _you_ are our best, and I wanna know what kind of fucking coward sends someone with a family into a situation like this when there's someone just as qualified without one!”

Yasha seemed to get bigger, shoulders getting even more straight than they already were. Normally a soldier of higher rank would start shouting and shit-talking. Not today. Not here. Yasha just leaned in close and _hissed_ it at Kurogane.

“You're gonna accuse me of that? Really?”

Kurogane couldn't help the way nir jaw jutted and nir teeth ground.

“I'd make that sacrifice in a heartbeat if it meant your kid didn't lose you, and don't you fucking dare accuse me of trying to pass the buck onto you because I'm concerned about the fucking _danger_ —”

“Then why? I'm not your fucking good little soldier, Yasha, I never was before and I'm not going to be now. You better have a compelling reason.”

“You might not come back!” Yasha roared, sudden and so loud it rang off the walls of the room. “And if it was me that went and didn't come back, then whose job is it to make the next decision? Huh? I'd have to leave you in charge of it, because you're the only one I'd trust do it! And I'm _not going to do that to you_!”

“What about Tennou,” Kurogane muttered, but ne already knew the answer.

“When do we shut Eole down? How long do we wait for you? Do we let everyone go slowly, screaming from muscle cramps and frostbite, or do we poison the air system and get it over with? Do we wait to see who can hold up the longest when they're suffering brain damage? Do we take bets on who will die first?”

“Okay, fucking _okay_!” Kurogane shouted back. “I get it!”

“I don't think you do,” Yasha said, suddenly deflating. Those horrible ghosts fluttering around nir eyes were returning in the wake of nir rage. “Your kid is on board this ship. As long as it's my call, I'm not going to make you decide how long to watch nem suffer before you kill nem. I'm not putting that on you.”

Kurogane choked, fell back against the tank ne and Fai had cobbled together. Ne had no air to breathe, and ne wanted to puke. Ne felt all the blood leaving nir face, felt cold and desperate.

“You have a chance to save Sakura, and you have the best chance out of anyone here. Take it.”

Kurogane put a sweaty palm to an equally sweaty forehead. It all felt cold and clammy. “Yeah,” ne muttered. Tried to gulp down the nausea. “I'll do it.”

“You'll take no food, no water, no fuel reserves. No one's coming after you if you don't come back.”

Kurogane barked out a laugh, and gestured at nir legs. “I've been there before.”

Yasha almost, almost smiled. “I need you to do it again. For the same reason. Do it for your daughter.”

Kurogane took a breath, and straightened up. “I've got two kids now, captain. And Fai. But for what it's worth . . . I'd be doing this even if my family was at home, safe.”

“I know,” Yasha said.

“I'll make sure Fai and Seiichiro know what they're doing in here, and I'll leave by sixteen hundred. I need . . . I need an hour. To talk to my family.”

“Kurogane.”

Ne was already halfway out of the room when Yasha said nir name.

“What?”

“I want you to take someone with you. I want you to have some kind of backup.”

Fai.

Kurogane immediately wanted Fai with nem, for so many reasons, and competency and grit were only half of them, and nir heart beat so hard that it hurt. But that wish was dismissed instantly. One of them had to stay here. Not just for their kids, but out of practicality. They knew the fuel system best, one of them had to be here to get it running again.

It made sense but ne's fists were covering up how much nir hands were shaking.

“Did you have someone in mind?”

“Not specifically, but it needs to be someone from the team that's been trained on first contact regulations.”

“Fuck,” Kurogane responded at the reminder. Sentient life. Maybe. “Who doesn't have a family?”

Yasha looked at the ground. “Karura,” ne said softly.

Kurogane felt bile in nir throat. “No. No way Yasha, come on, Karyoubinga's been gone less than a day—”

There was a pointed series of thuds to the door. Only a few people had the authorization to open it at the moment, but whoever this was apparently preferred kicking the door to using the intercom panel to ask permission. Kurogane stalked over and put nir fingers to the pad, and let Karura in.

“Speak of the devil.”

“You wanted to see me?” ne asked briskly, addressing Yasha.

“No,” Kurogane muttered mutinously.

“You're joining Kurogane on an errand.”

“Are you for real? An errand?”

“Karura, half the reason you've been locked up in the medical bay is so you couldn't tell the rest of the crew how bad things are. I wouldn't be sending you if it wasn't important.”

“So what's so important?”

“We found a planet with water and possible fuel. We need you to go get it.”

“What's the catch?”

“Possible sentient life.”

Karura barked out a harsh laugh. “I'm a biologist, not a psychologist, and I'm sure as hell not a linguist.”

“I'm not sending a psychologist, I'm sending someone who can handle themselves in an emergency. You're bound to be more diplomatic than this one, at least,” Yasha indicated Kurogane with a jerk of nir thumb. “And Karura? We need those supplies _now_.”

Karura stared at nem with nir arms crossed for a long, silent while. Then, ne jerked nir head into a nod. “I get it. I'm the most convenient choice out of the crew who knows what's going on. You can afford to lose me.”

Yasha's face darkened. “That's not what I—”

“It's what you meant,” ne cut nem off. “And guess what? I don't care. I lost the most precious thing I had, and I just do not care about anything now. I'll go. It's fine.”

“Karura, this was not how I—”

“So, what, you're the pilot?” ne addressed Kurogane, cutting Yasha off again. “How do you know how to fly a shuttle, anyway? I thought you were a mechanic.”

“I'll tell you on the way. Wheels up in four hours,” Kurogane said shortly.

Kurogane left the two of them there to argue, because ne had more important things to do.

 

* * *

 

Kurogane finished up his maintenance shift and headed for the daycare room to start an afternoon shift with the kids. Chunyan should already be there, as they'd been sharing the same shifts on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons since they started a few months back, and was always earlier than Kurogane.

But the blond head that popped out of the romper room was definitely not Chunyan's.

“Oh, hello!” Fai said cheerfully. “Just in time! The kids are already in teams and we were just waiting for the other adult to arrive so we could get started!”

“Get started with what?” Kurogane said, carefully closing the door but only after checking to ensure that no small person had tried to slip out or was stuck in the doorway. Ne had learned more about caring for children in the past couple of months in the daycare facility than ne had learned in the past three years of having nir own. “And what are you even doing here? And where's Misaki?”

There were six kids in daycare. Four of them, including Sakura, were peering around Fai from inside the romper room. Kaede was in nir usual spot—curled up on pillows in muted colors that were piled up in the nook designated as the reading area.

“Misaki is taking a nap,” Fai said, gesturing toward the cupboard where they kept sleeping mats and blankets. Misaki was conked out on a mat spread in front of the cupboard, oblivious and peaceful.

“How did you get Misaki to take a nap?” ne demanded. Not that ne was jealous, or impressed, or any stupid thing like that. Just baffled. Baffled was the word.

“Easy. We ran around in circles in the romper room until ne was so tired ne pretty much fell over.”

Kurogane chuckled in spite of nemself.

“Also, I'm here because we just started a project in my lab that needs round-the-clock monitoring for the next week or so, and I drew the short straw for the twenty-two hundred to o-six hundred shift. I usually have Wednesday and Friday mornings in here with the kids, so I asked Chunyan to swap with me so I can get some sleep, but that's boring so let's say I asked her to switch because I wanted to see my favorite grumpy mechanic more often.”

“I'm not grumpy!”

“Oh good,” Fai crooned. “Get in here, then. The game is that the kids sit on our shoulders and hit each other with foam noodles until one of them is disarmed. It's a tournament-style set up, obviously, since we've got four kids. It's going to be Sakura versus Hokuto and Ashura versus Subaru to start.”

Kurogane stared down at Subaru in disbelief. “Did you actually agree to this, or did Hokuto torture you into submission?”

Subaru laughed, darted out of the room covered in primary-blue padding, and flung nemself at Kurogane. “I want to be on your shoulders, please!”

“No fair, I want Kurogane!” Ashura whined.

Sakura smacked Ashura with one of the foam noodles. “Ne's my Daddy, I get to sit on nem!”

Kurogane aimed a sharp grin at Fai. “You sure this was your best idea ever?”

“Nobody loves me,” ne sighed dramatically.

Subaru immediately abandoned Kurogane to fling nir arms around Fai's legs instead. “It's okay, I do, I do. I want to sit on your shoulders, okay?”

This was why Kurogane put on his more basic prostheses, the ones with jointed ankles and also a thick coating of silicon before heading in to work in the daycare. The kids were going to break an arm on the ones ne usually wore.

The kids were shrieking so loudly that Kaede was trying to stuff nir head into a pillow, which was really not conducive to reading.

“Time out!” Kurogane shouted. “Hey! Who's the boss here, me or you?”

They all pointed at Fai and giggled.

“Fine,” Kurogane muttered.

“Let's approach this logically, shall we?” Fai said. “I can definitely carry Sakura and I can definitely carry Ashura. Let's let Kurogane carry the bigger kids, because ne has bigger shoulders, okay?”

Sakura looked halfway to a tantrum, but Fai just crossed nir eyes and stuck out nir tongue and said, “I'm the boss, right?” This was followed up by tickling Sakura's sides, and making nem squirm and giggle.

“Did you just stop a tantrum before it even started?” Kurogane muttered close to Fai's ear as ne slipped past Fai into the romper room. “Do you want to just keep my child forever?”

Fai laughed. “Maybe we can swap. At least until Ashura's screaming bursts one of your ear drums.”

“Mummyyyyy,” Ashura whined, looking mortified. “I don't do that anymore! I'm too old!”

“Oh, you are, I had forgotten that,” Fai said, rolling nir eyes. “All right, let's get this tournament started. First match iiiiiiiiis: Sakura versus Hokuto!”

The kids cheered and bounced around while the adults got the kids settled. The other two handed the foam toys up to their comrades, and the battle was on. It was fierce, and full of shrieking, and Kurogane would have ended it in fear for their hearing if it weren't for the way Fai's face was lit up like ne was having more fun than the kids.

Hokuto won the tournament, unsurprisingly.

Afterward, the kids were sent to build a city out of interlocking blocks, and Kaede was cajoled into participating. With that project underway, Fai and Kurogane could go into the little kitchenette inside the daycare center to put together the afternoon snack.

“Let's see, what's on the plan today,” Fai mused, running a finger over the snack calendar.

“Carrot sticks, they just dug out a crop of carrots from the agri rooms,” Kurogane responded. “And apple slices, they just pulled some out of cold storage. What else, do you think? Oat cakes?”

“Are you a huge spoilsport all the time, or just most of the time?” Fai shot back. “At least let them have some jam on the cakes or something.”

“Well, glad to know you have such a high opinion of me.” Kurogane scowled, and dug out the carrots that the agri team had promised that they'd stuck in the refrigerator in here. “It's not like they didn't get lunch.”

“I forgot how sulky you get when you get teased,” Fai said happily, pulling out the apples and starting to slice them up. “I've missed working with you.”

Kurogane froze with a knife in one hand and a carrot in the other.

It caused Fai to freeze up for a second, too, and _that_ was the bit that made it all weird. Ne could have just laughed and teased Kurogane further or something, but ne had to go and make it obvious that ne meant it.

“It's because you're quiet,” Fai said, after a moment. “I mean, I'm probably being really rude saying that, but it was always kind of peaceful when you and I were doing the system checks, and I kind of miss it, and uh, I'm just gonna move on now. Guess what? The only reason Hokuto won that tournament is because you're a cheater who is way bigger than me, so there.”

Kurogane knew that ne was getting flushed from embarrassment, ne _knew_ it because ne could _feel_ the heat in nir face. Ne kept nir eyes on the carrots and muttered, “The damn apples aren't slicing themselves, here.”

“Daddyyyyy, I'm hungryyyyy.”

Sakura was in the doorway of the kitchenette, and ne had that look on nir face. That look of mischief and daring and _of course_ ne'd come in just in time to hear Kurogane swear.

“Damn hungry!” ne added, and giggled wildly.

“Sakura,” Kurogane said firmly. “Don't say that word.”

“You said it,” Fai pointed out.

“Thanks for your input,” Kurogane snapped.

“I won't say it anymore!” Sakura announced, bouncing in closer and clambering nir way up into Kurogane's lap. “Daddy, you don't either, okay?”

“Does it make you upset if I say bad words, Baby?” Kurogane asked with amusement.

“No,” ne said comfortably, reaching out for Kurogane's knife with curiosity.

“Ah,” Kurogane warned, moving it out of reach.

Ne immediately drew nir hand back. “I wanna see,” ne pouted outrageously.

Kurogane knew ne was supposed to ignore such behavior in nir child, as well as the other kids. But ne had never liked that particular bit of parenting wisdom. Ignoring a kid didn't make them stop pouting, it made them stop feeling important. And there was nothing wrong with wanting to see something, even if you weren't allowed to touch it.

Kurogane picked up the knife and balanced it on nir hand directly in front of the little one.

“Do not touch,” ne said seriously. “Just look.”

“When can I touch?”

“When you're older.”

“How much older?”

“When do you think?”

“I think seven is good.”

“You do, huh?”

“Yes, I think seven.”

“Good. I'll let you touch this when you're seven, then. Deal?”

“Yes.”

Ne was squirming and fidgeting.

“Do you want to get down?”

“Yes.”

“What do you say?”

“Please Daddy.”

Kurogane put the knife back down and lifted Sakura from nir lap so ne could run off back to the other kids.

Fai was staring at nem.

“What?”

“Quit doing that,” Fai said helplessly.

“Doing what?”

“Never mind,” ne responded.

“Okay. Hey, by the way, do you want me to have Ashura sleep in our rooms till you're off the overnights? I'm right down the hall and I guess I can check in if you want to just let nem sleep in nir own bed, but if you'd rather, I can piece together a cot and ne can camp in with us.”

Fai gaped at nem. “I'll think about it. Thank you.” Ne was now throwing apple slices into cups with apparent rage. “Are you cutting those carrot slices into cute shapes right now?”

Kurogane looked down at nir work. The obvious answer was yes, because ne was making them into five-pointed stars and flowers and they were fairly recognizable.

“So?”

Fai looked like ne wanted to throw the apple slices at Kurogane's head, and Kurogane was not entirely sure why.

“Well . . . good!” Fai finally said, and turned to the cupboard where they kept packets of juice with a mutter that sounded like, but could not possibly have actually been, “I must be ovulating.”

 

* * *

 

“You're not going,” Fai said as soon as Kurogane opened the door to their rooms.

Kurogane closed nir eyes.

“Where are the kids?” Kurogane asked, after the moment of silence had become sufficiently painful.

“They're watching a movie with Karen.”

Kurogane cursed, because immediately nir eyes were full of tears and ne was swiping them away instead of arguing nir point. “I need to see them,” ne managed.

“You'll see them plenty, because I'm not letting Yasha just bully you into—”

“You really think I would let Yasha anything?”

“Then _why_ ,” Fai whispered, and nir legs dropped out from under nem, and Fai crumpled onto the bed.

Kurogane stood in the doorway, afraid that if ne let nemself touch Fai, it was all over.

“I'm the only one who can do it.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fai, it's a 40-hour flight each way and I'm not taking anything with me. I will be without food, water, and I will be very short on sleep for about five days. It's not bullshit. I was trained for this.”

“You were?”

And Fai looked so _hurt_ at that.

“I was in the military, we all were trained for that. I mean, I can go longer than anyone else from my squad, but even I might not be able to handle this trip that well. I'm out of practice,” ne said wryly, and rubbed a hand over nir not-yet-soft-but-getting-there belly to try to break the tension.

Fai started crying.

“I'm sorry,” Kurogane started to say, but then didn't know how to finish. Sorry for what?

But Fai was shaking nir head anyway. “Kurogane, you told me how old you are. You're twenty-four.”

“And you're twenty-five. So?”

“Did they pull you out of _school_ to put you in this training? How _old_ were you? Sixteen?”

 _and a half_ , ne almost said, but thought better of it. “I performed really well in sports,” ne said lamely. “It got their attention.”

“I never ask, I was never going to unless it was important, but did you lose your _virginity_ to Sakura's mother _in a war zone_?”

Kurogane scowled down at the floor. “Is that really important right now?”

Fai had nir face covered with nir hands. Kurogane couldn't tell by the shaking shoulders if Fai was laughing or crying.

“It's not any more important right now than it was or will be, but I might never see you again and I just— we're sharing this, this whole life together, and I don't even know exactly how you got here. I never told you how I got here. We just—”

“Our past is our past,” Kurogane said, and then ne did what ne had been wanting to do this whole time, stride over to Fai and gather nem up into a tight embrace and feel Fai's breath against nir neck like always. “Mine is sad and I think yours was lonely, and I don't want to be my past, Fai, I want to be _this_.” Ne shuddered, and stopped talking, and held on.

Fai's tears were warm on Kurogane's skin.

“We are this,” Fai whispered. “I never thought it would happen for me, but we are, and I'm so happy with you.”

“Fai . . .”

“Please, please, please don't leave me.”

“I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you,” Kurogane muttered, and nir hands touched the small of Fai's back. Slid up nir spine, under nir shirt. Touched every bump along nir spine on the journey up.

“The rest of your life had better be _long_ ,” Fai said viciously. Then ne shoved nemself into Kurogane for a hard kiss that scraped their teeth together, with Fai's fingers clawed into the front of Kurogane's shirt.

They made love furiously, but not quickly. They marked each other with teeth and claws. Kurogane stroked and teased at Fai to the point that Fai was crying out in agony, but held nem there on the cusp until Kurogane was buried deep inside. Cradling Fai with nir whole body, wrapped around nem and inside nem until the whole cosmos was nothing but the two of them becoming one flesh. They moved together, cried out together, tore at each other.

They made love like it was the last time they ever would, and they refused to say what they were doing because naming it would give it the wrong kind of power.

“I love you,” Kurogane panted, sweat dripping from nir hair all over Fai.

They hadn't said it before. They felt it, but they didn't say it, not until Kurogane said it then.

“I love you, and I'm coming back to you, Fai. I am.”

“You had better,” Fai muttered. Kurogane waited, stared at Fai and waited, but Fai didn't say it.

Oh.

Kurogane picked nemself up, slightly dazed and definitely lightheaded from the exertion. Oh.

“Can we go get the kids? I'm leaving soon and I really want to see them.”

Ashura was only just warming up to Kurogane recently, only in the past few months had ne stopped treating Kurogane like just another adult on Eole, even after the four of them had moved into one of the bigger dorms together.

And it had been so good. All of this had been so good.

Ne had to go, but ne would come back, because failure was just not an option.

The two of them dressed in silence and Kurogane wanted to puke every time ne caught nemself wondering if ne would come back to find that they were living in separate dorms again. Ne should worry about other things right now. That could wait until after.

They went to the leisure room and found Karen sitting on the floor on some big cushions with the kids, just as enraptured by the story about the little misunderstood animated robot as Ashura and Sakura were, apparently.

Ashura noticed them first and barreled headfirst into Fai. “What's wrong?” ne asked immediately.

“Sakura,” Kurogane called out before Fai could say anything.

Karen took a look at the two of them and immediately stopped the movie and picked nemself up from the floor.

“What's going on?” ne asked suspiciously.

“Nothing major,” Fai lied, sounding sweet and breezy.

Kurogane clenched his teeth. Ne hated the way they were covering this up.

“Right. I'll just . . . go.”

“Thanks for watching them.”

“Sure.”

Kurogane went over to sit on the cushions in Karen's place, and held nir arms out for the kids. They both tumbled into Kurogane's embrace with less then their usual sense of vigor and blessedly lacking their usual shrieking.

“Daddy,” Sakura said, already sounding on the verge of tears.

“It's all right, Baby,” ne said immediately. “Everything's fine.”

“It is not. Quit _lying_ ,” Ashura scowled.

“Okay,” ne said. “Fai? You coming down here?”

Fai approached at last, and joined them in the pile-up. Ne dragged Ashura into nir lap.

“I have to go on a trip,” Kurogane said. “It's not going to be for very long. Just for a few days.”

“Why?” Sakura asked.

“We just ran out of some stuff that we need, so I have to go shopping. You remember how I was telling you that sometimes we have to go out in a ship to get supplies, because we only get stuff delivered once a year?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, it's my turn to go get stuff, that's all. I just wanted to say goodbye to you two before I go.”

Ashura burst into tears. “Stop it!” ne shrieked at Kurogane. “Stop lying, it isn't fair, stop it!”

Kurogane knew that Ashura was sensitive beyond anything they had anticipated, but ne was still surprised.

“Ashura, I'm not lying,” ne said, and held out one arm again so that Ashura could come back. “I am going away for a few days to get things for us, and I will be coming back. That's not a lie.”

Ashura cried on him, bewildered because ne could feel Kurogane's fear and grief behind the innocuous words. Kurogane felt guilty, but there was no way to explain it any further right now. Sakura was tucked against nir side being silent, not crying but not doing anything else either. Kurogane couldn't tell if ne was picking up on the tension or just reacting to Ashura's behavior.

“Listen. Both of you, listen. It's dangerous to go, but it's important, so I'm going to do it. They picked me because I'm big and strong and they know I can do a good job. You don't want them to think I'm not big and strong, right?”

Sakura shook her head violently, and Ashura wailed into Kurogane's side.

“But I love you very much. Both of you. So I'll try to come back as soon as I can, and then you won't have to worry any more, right?”

“You promise?” Sakura asked, lip trembling.

Kurogane didn't even hesitate. “I promise.”

“Okay.”

“I don't have to leave right now. I can stay for a few minutes. You know what I would really like?”

“What?”

“A drawing.”

“What kind of drawing?”

“I want two drawings. One from each of you. I want drawings of our family. I want to take them with me on my trip so I don't forget what you look like before I get back, okay?”

Sakura giggled a little, at that. Ashura's sobs were drying up, at least. And Fai, Fai was sitting there with arms wrapped around nir knees, keeping nir tears silent so the kids wouldn't realize that ne was crying. Kurogane had to let the kids go so ne could haul himself up on the floor, and ne reached for Fai as ne did.

“Come on. Let's go to the daycare room and draw for a while.”

Fai had plastered on a semblance of a smile when ne lifted nir face up. It made Kurogane's skin crawl, honestly.

“Sure, let's go.”

 

* * *

 

Kurogane had mandatory psych evals twice a year.

When ne'd been discharged from the military, the routine evaluations were mandatory if ne wanted to get nir paychecks. Souma's psych evals were mandatory, too. And both of them wanted those paychecks, because even after the hospital finished paying the first round of medical bills there was a lot to cover, like Kurogane's prostheses and Souma's medication, and their kid produced a shocking number of expenses for a person who couldn't even focus their eyes yet, especially since Souma's mother took an early retirement to stay home and help them with the baby—

Neither of them were the kind of people who'd voluntarily show up for evaluations, not even 'mandatory' ones. But they'd needed the money. And then it had just been Kurogane left to support Sakura and her grandmother, and they'd needed it even more.

And then just when Kurogane got out from under the military's thumb by taking private contract work on Eole Station, and thought ne was leaving behind these damn things . . . social services went and made nir custody of Sakura contingent on keeping up with them.

Ne hated them.

Ne hated that someone was requiring nem to talk about nir feelings with a total stranger just so that ne could keep nir own child.

What ne hated more was that ne always felt like ne had to be honest during these things. Like that part was mandatory, too. Ne should just bullshit something if ne was so uncomfortable with the feelings thing, but ne could never do it. It was one thing to keep your mouth shut and say nothing (the military had been asking that of nem for years) but flat-out lying was beyond nir abilities, and ne knew that keeping completely silent didn't bode well for the whole custody thing.

Ne always felt small and defensive and shitty after an eval, and it always took a long run or a sleepless night with a favorite book or music or something to even begin to get nir shit together.

There was a psychiatrist on board the Eole, one of the first requirements for the crew that the financiers had. Above and beyond acquiring the best of the best in research scientists and pioneers, they'd said they wanted a psychiatrist, a physical therapist, and a chiropractor. They wanted their crew happy and well, not just working.

So, the requirement still stood. Kurogane had to visit Eole's psychiatrist twice a year, more if ne deemed it necessary.

This was to be nir first off-world evaluation.

Which was why ne was so relieved that the night ne was due to spend an hour talking to Yuuko, Sakura got sleepy during dinner.

Kurogane put nem to bed, told nem to check in with Chitose and Ichiro next door if ne needed anything while Kurogane was gone, and then spent an hour with a doctor who seriously creeped nem out.

Oh, it wasn't that Yuuko wasn't professional, because Kurogane had never met a psychiatrist who was better at their job. Too good. That was the problem.

So they'd spent an hour talking about Fai. Because yeah, Kurogane was definitely interested, and it was practically the first thing Yuuko had asked, was there anyone back home or here on Eole that ne was interested in.

Mostly, they'd spent a whole hour discussing the reason that Kurogane hadn't expressed that interest to Fai. Did Kurogane have a problem with intersex people? No, of course not, what difference did that make. Did Kurogane hold nemself back out of fear that nir legs made nem unattractive? Well, ne wasn't exactly perfect at this point and maybe the leg stumps would be a lot for a potential partner to deal with, but no, that wasn't really the issue. Did losing Souma instill a fear that loved ones would be taken from nem and therefore nir shouldn't get close to people? Maybe, but ne and Souma had never been exactly . . . that was complicated.

No, it was Sakura, they finally figured out together. Kurogane lived and breathed for the kid. Ne could not consider so much as a casual date until there was some reasonable expectation that Kurogane could trust that date with nir child's heart.

Except that apparently ne'd already made that decision about Fai.

Maybe it was just that Fai was also a parent and knew what that meant. Maybe it was something about them both being accidental parents so young (and Kurogane was making assumptions about Fai's life, here, but they were pretty fair assumptions given the evidence). Maybe it was just Fai.

Kurogane left Yuuko's little office convinced that ne was going to check on Sakura to be sure ne was asleep, then go down the hall to the dorm room where Fai and Ashura lived, and say something.

Except Sakura wasn't in their room.

Sakura was gone.

Kurogane stared at the empty bed, checked their lavatory, and went into total meltdown. At that moment, it didn't matter that there was no way off Eole and the station wasn't actually that big. It didn't matter that there was nothing Sakura could have possibly gotten into more dangerous than the communal bathing room down the hall.

Sakura was missing.

They all wore earpieces when they were on duty, whatever their job happened to be. But it was getting late and most people wouldn't be responding to them anymore.

Ne flipped out, and did the first thing ne could think of.

Ne ran down the hall and started pounding on Fai's door. Ashura and Sakura were best friends. Maybe Sakura was there.

“Is Sakura with you?” ne blurted out the second Fai's door opened.

Fai looked exhausted, hair dripped wet against the collar of nir shirt from a shower, but those blue eyes blew wide in surprise as the implications of Kurogane standing here asking that question sunk in.

“No, ne's not here,” Fai said, and quickly reached out to lay a hand on Kurogane's arm, maybe sensing how close ne was to losing it. “Did you check with anyone else in our hall yet?”

“No, I, I just thought—”

“Let's talk to Uncle Icchan, yes? Sakura adores Chitose and Ichiro, let's try there.”

Ashura came wandering out of the lavatory in their dorm with a toothbrush in nir mouth. “What's wrong, Mum?”

“It's okay, love, everything's fine. Can you be good for me and get in bed and read a book until I come back? I need to help Kurogane with something.”

“Okay,” Ashura said calmly. “Hi, Kurogane. Where's Sakura?”

Kurogane must have done something scary, despite not remembering or doing it consciously, because Ashura sort of whimpered and retreated. Fai, maybe by parental instinct, blocked the door with nir body.

“Let me put some shoes on, okay?”

Kurogane bounced up and down on his springy replacement feet while Fai was wasting time on real feet like a loser. But ne waited.

They knocked on the door where Chitose and Ichiro and the twins lived (they got a dorm with two rooms, one of the few that there were on Eole) and the minute it looked like they didn't know where Sakura was either, Fai clamped a hand down on Kurogane's arm.

“Okay, that's fine,” ne said evenly. “What we'll do next, is we'll ask the captain to let us look at the video footage from the last hour or so, to find out when Sakura left the room, which way ne headed. It should only take a few minutes to figure out where ne is now.”

Kurogane thought about that. For a couple of seconds. Then ne shook off Fai's arm and bolted.

All ne could think about was getting to Sakura before anything could happen to her.

Ne was skidding down hallways and peering into windows and thumbing open doors and gasping for breath. Ne didn't know where to look, didn't know what Sakura could have been thinking, just _had to find nem_ —

Kurogane almost missed nem and almost accidentally ran right past nem. Sleeping on a chair in the common room where they put on movies and had racing vid game competitions on the big screen.

Kurogane was well-used to the legs ne'd chosen for nemself, which were built for athleticism and were honestly harder to balance on than some of the others. Ne wore them every day, it wasn't as if ne didn't know how they worked.

Ne totally fell over in the mad rush to get to Sakura.

Ne just went gracelessly to nir knees and grabbed Sakura as ne overshot the chair, dragging nir child into nir chest and heaving to get air.

“Daddy?” Sakura said, barely opening nir eyes. “I was looking for you.”

Kurogane couldn't tell Sakura how scared ne'd been. Could barely breathe. The only thing that would come out of nem was, “I've got you, Baby, I've got you, I love you . . .”

Ne didn't know how long ne babbled into Sakura's messy hair. Long enough that nir feet were cutting into nir thighs painfully and long enough that ne realized that the others should have found them by now.

Ne turned, ready to be completely mortified by having ten sets of eyes watching the whole thing. But the room was still empty, apart from the two of them.

There was a window panel set into the door. Kurogane could easily see the head of blond hair waiting out there. And suddenly ne just knew why Fai was there. Fai could have gone back to nir own room to take care of Ashura, but ne was still here.

Kurogane had to set Sakura down so ne could get nemself up, but ne immediately picked Sakura up again. Ne didn't seem to mind, comfortably resting nir head on Kurogane's shoulder and letting out a sleepy sigh. Kurogane carried her to the door and opened it. The airy whoosh alerted Fai, who turned around.

“There you are,” Fai said, looking right at Sakura. “You had everybody a little worried, sweetheart.”

Sakura was very used to Fai by now, but Kurogane was still surprised when ne reached out nir little arms asking to be taken. Fai cautiously glanced at Kurogane and made eye contact before obliging, lifting the little one carefully away from Kurogane and into nir own arms.

“I wanted a bedtime story,” Sakura said while rubbing a knuckle into nir eye and yawning. “I wanted Daddy, but you could read it. You read them better.”

Fai let out a little chuckle as ne patted Sakura's back. Ne smiled at Kurogane. “That okay with you?” ne asked quietly.

Kurogane couldn't seem to swallow the lump in nir throat and couldn't seem to get nir brain back into gear. Ne was just staring at the two of them, not sure how to say everything that should be said.

“Yeah,” ne finally said. “That's okay.”

They stopped in Fai's room first, to check on Ashura. Ashura was asleep with a book open and a lamp on, so Fai quietly shut the book and flicked off the light. There was still a light on in the lavatory, and Fai left that one. Ne leaned over and dropped a soft kiss into Ashura's hair and tugged the blankets higher.

Kurogane's chest was tight. So much that it hurt, that it was hard to breathe. Fai, halo of golden hair and a soft smile, gentle hands on both of the children. Fai, leading the way over to Kurogane's dormitory and helping Sakura pick out a book. Kurogane sat on nir own bed and watched as Fai perched on the edge of Sakura's and read nem to sleep, voice lilting playfully over the characters in the story.

Sakura fell asleep quickly, and then it was just the two of them, staring at each other across a tiny expanse of carpet that seemed very large right then.

“What?” Fai asked, breaking the silence to ruffle nir hair and turn nir eyes away, embarrassment obvious.

“I just— thank you. For this.”

“It's nothing, it's just a story.”

“It's not. Thank you for looking for Sakura. And for guarding the door.”

Fai's cheeks flushed pink at realizing Kurogane knew what ne'd been doing. “I just thought you deserved to have that moment to yourself,” ne murmured.

“Thank you. For all the times you've been kind to us. I never tell you how much it . . . Sakura really likes you, Fai.”

Fai suddenly stood up. “I like Sakura, too. I should probably—”

“I am really terrible at this,” Kurogane blurted out, bouncing up onto nir own feet, meaning to stop Fai if ne tried to leave. “Fai, I— I mean, I've never actually done this before.”

“Done what?” Fai asked, and nir face suddenly crinkled up into a smile.

“Are you making fun of me?”

“Depends. Are you gonna get to the point?”

“I'm trying to ask you— this is so _stupid_ , we live on a _space station_ , I can't even _take_ you anywhere—”

“Now I can see why you've never done this before.”

“I hate you,” Kurogane sighed.

“No, you don't,” Fai said with confidence. “Although? I'm kinda shocked that you managed to conceive a child. You can't even get to the point of asking someone out. How did you manage sex?”

Kurogane wanted to throw Fai out of an airlock a lot more than ne wanted to ask nem out, at that point. But ne took a deep breath. “Yeah, Sakura's mom is not a good topic of conversation, so let's not open that up.”

“Fair enough,” Fai said, happy smile sinking.

Kurogane was finally brave enough to cross that small, insurmountable bit of carpet. Ne took Fai's elbows and just _looked_ at nem. Inches away, close enough to smell coffee on Fai's breath.

“I'm not sure there would be any point in saying I want to date you or go out with you, or whatever we would call it planetside where we'd have the freedom to actually do it. So I'll just say this: I can't stop watching everything that you do and thinking it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I can't stop staring at you and thinking you're the most gorgeous person that I've ever seen. I'm interested in taking that somewhere.”

Fai had ditched the smile completely, but there was something like a beaming light hiding just behind nir face. “I haven't done much of this, either,” ne said. “Once bitten, twice shy, as the old saying goes. But I could stand to hear a lot more compliments like that.”

“Too bad,” Kurogane muttered. “Because that was my quota of nice things for the year.”

Fai chuckled, but it didn't last long. Nir fingers ghosted over Kurogane's upper arms, raising goosebumps in their wake.

“I'd settle for a kiss.”

Kurogane didn't move, for a moment. Worried ne'd imagined it. But Fai was staring at Kurogane's chest, waiting. So Kurogane put a careful hand under nir chin and lifted Fai's mouth, and they had their first kiss without even realizing that Sakura was awake and staring at them with nir hands clapped over nir mouth.

Their second kiss was when Sakura burst out with a shocked, “ _Daddy,_ ” and they both jumped in surprise, and then she clapped her hands and squealed, “Do it again!” so they did.

 

* * *

 

Kurogane and Karura had been in transit for about two hours when Karura suddenly spoke.

“You were going to tell me when you trained as a pilot.”

Nir voice startled Kurogane. They hadn't spoken to each other since they strapped in, and suddenly Karura was jumping straight to the hard questions? Not a good time. It was interrupting Kurogane's ability to brood nemself into a black hole about what had just happened back on the station.

The kids had cried and clung onto Kurogane when it was time for nem to take off. Fai had hung back. Had stared at Kurogane like ne meant to memorize Kurogane's face, but hadn't said a damn word. Just took the kids by their small hands and pulled them away when Yasha and Kurogane started the countdown.

“It was a long time ago,” Kurogane said to Karura. “Right after I finished school.”

“Did you go into higher learning at all?”

“Nah,” Kurogane answered dismissively, uselessly checking numbers that didn't need to be checked right now. “I wasn't that cerebral. I wanted to work with my hands.”

“Right,” Karura snorted. “Because piloting a spaceship and learning mechanical engineering are such basic skills.”

Kurogane just shrugged.

“So, where did you train?”

“Flight school.”

“You know we're stuck in this shuttle for forty straight hours, right?”

“Yup. And I was up all night, so I'm gonna take a nap while I have the opportunity.”

“Huh. I don't get it.”

Kurogane had already closed nir eyes and started to stretch out to recline as much as possible, but ne cracked one back open to glare suspiciously. “The hell you talking about?”

“You and Fai, and the kids.”

“What about it?” ne growled.

Karura shrugged. “Fai's a sweetheart, and so are the kids. I just don't get why they all wanna live with such a taciturn jerk-ass.”

“Like I know. Ask them.”

Karura's teasing fell away, and ne looked out the window at the planet growing in their vision as they got closer.

“I don't know if I'll get the chance to do that,” ne said. Not quiet, not emotional. Just plain.

“You religious?” Kurogane asked.

“What? No, not really.”

“Then this isn't your version of 'Bless me, I have sinned' or something?”

Karura glared at nem, and turned back to the window in silence.

Then it was a waiting game to see how much guilt could heap itself up on Kurogane before ne broke. It wasn't much of a game. It was over in five minutes.

“Hey. Uh. Sorry.”

“No reason to be. I'm being nosy with someone I don't know that well. I'm the one who should apologize.”

“No, it's . . . okay.”

Karura was throwing nemself into this. Maybe it was grief, maybe it was something more heroic, Kurogane didn't know. Ne had no idea what motivated Karura, had barely ever spoken to nem.

Ne was probably thinking the same thing about Kurogane. The only person who was with nem on what might, conceivably, be the last day of nir life.

Ne would have wanted to spend it with Karyoubinga if ne could have, Kurogane figured. A sweet and gentle person who had confessed that ne might have become a musician if ne hadn't chosen to become a scientist.

Instead, Karura got to be here with Kurogane.

“So, were you thinking about being a musician, too?”

“What?”

“Karyoubinga told me that ne used to sing. Just wondered if you did.”

“I used to,” Karura said.

“What made you change your mind?”

“The chance to do something more important, I guess.”

“Music is important.”

“I wouldn't have picked you for the kind of person who would think so.”

Kurogane didn't have a good response for that. Ne rarely had a good response for anything, to be fair. There were these layers of silence ne wrapped around nemself when truth wasn't an option, and maybe ne'd let that go too far. Started putting on extra layers that ne didn't need.

“I like that band that uses those really old-fashioned historical guitars,” ne admitted. “I don't always like vocals in music, usually I just like instruments. Sorry.”

“My music teacher always said the world would be really boring if people only liked one kind of music,” Karura said, gracing nem with a tiny smile.

The silence started to settle in again, and Kurogane felt a little easier about it this time.

“Is it true that you were the one who asked Fai to share a dormitory?”

Kurogane's immediate response was to say it was none of Karura's business, but ne bit nir tongue for just a second, to tone it down, and Karura filled in that pause with,

“It's just what Kary said to me, because Kary and Fai are friends. I thought it was a joke or something. But it wasn't, was it? Kary doesn't— _d-didn't_ —” Karura ground nir hands around nir eyes and shook nir head impatiently. “Never mind.”

“It's true,” Kurogane said quickly.

Karura took a shaky breath, and took what Kurogane was offering. “Does that mean it's also true that you call your kid 'Baby'?”

Kurogane scowled. “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not. It's just weird, because I have this idea of you . . .”

“I'm sure it's about as accurate as what I know about you.”

“Why, what do you know about me?”

“Next to nothing, that's the point.”

They were quiet again for a couple of minutes before Karura was again the one to break into it.

“So what's the real reason that Yasha put someone with a family, with no training about first contact with native beings, on this mission?”

Kurogane thought about deflecting it, the way ne usually did. “I can't really tell you,” ne said instead, blunt and to the point.

Karura's mouth tightened, but ne nodded like ne understood.

And then Kurogane just kept talking for no reason. “Actually, you know what? Screw it. I don't care anymore. I don't need their money, they're hardly going to put me away after I save the lives of everybody on Eole, so fuck it. I'll tell you.”

“Okay . . . ?”

“You remember when we discovered Asgard? I was about fifteen, so you must have been in university?”

“Am I really that much older than you?”

“We threw you a thirtieth birthday party,” Kurogane reminded nem.

“Yeah but how old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

“Ugh. Okay, anyway. What does this have to do with Asgard?”

“It has to do with the Olympus and Kepler-22 both claiming to have discovered it and going to war over it.”

“Going to what now?”

“Olympus has such limited resources that our whole population lives on less than a tenth of the planet. Kepler-22 doesn't have that problem, but they did have one nation of people with a lot of money and a crazy dictator who really wanted that planet.”

“But, that doesn't— we don't have armies, we don't have wars. That's the first thing they teach you in school after 'don't eat craft supplies' and how to count to ten. That stuff stopped happening a long time ago.”

Kurogane laughed. “Exactly. And they wanted to keep it that way, despite the fact that ships were showing up over Olympus skies and threatening to take us out.”

“I am pretty sure I would have heard about this.”

“Pretty sure you wouldn't. There was a massive effort to keep people from finding out.”

“But why?”

“They didn't really explain their reasoning. I assume it was so they could handle it without a panicking population and without any accountability. You know. The historical, traditional way. They still won't let us talk about it. But I don't care anymore.”

“So what happened?”

“They pieced together a military as soon as we got the first threat from Kepler-22. I got yanked out of my final year of standard-form school and put in boot camp.”

“How old were you when you got put into—um, fighting?”

“I saw my first combat when I was seventeen.”

“Is that— is that what happened—”

“What?”

“Your legs,” Karura clarified, face reddening. “Did you get blown up or something?”

“Something like that,” Kurogane muttered. “It was a little more complicated than that.”

“What kind of complicated?”

Kurogane didn't want to tell Karura. Ne wanted to tell Fai. But ne couldn't seem to stop talking, telling it all for the first time in nir life. It kept coming out of nem, like it was out of nir control.

“There was four of us trapped in a collapsed building for two months with no way out that wouldn't kill us. The military wasn't sending anyone in after us because it was a hot zone and . . . well, we were eating squirrels and drinking rainwater in there, and we were all losing our minds, and then, uh . . .”

“Tell me,” Karura urged, eyes wide and legs drawn up into nir seat with nir chin resting on nir knees, like this was some kinda fucking kids' story time.

“Souma told me ne was pregnant,” ne said bluntly. “Two months with nothing to do except pushups, brawling with each other, and screwing our brains out, but somehow none of us expected that. But ne was sure, and I— I guess I was just looking for a reason to do it. We couldn't stay in there forever, you know? And when I found out I was about to be a father . . .”

“What did you do?”

“There was actual attempts to use the military training I'd gotten as an engineer, but they were not very useful with the materials I had. Long story short, I pulled down a section of the building on myself to clear a path out.”

Karura was covering nir mouth with nir hands, gaping at Kurogane, and that was when Kurogane finally managed to get control of nir mouth.

“Anyway, we all got out and went home after that. The point of all this, is Yasha knows about my service and knows I won't hold anything back and will get this done.”

“So that was Sakura's mom? Souma?”

“Yeah.”

“So what happened with nem? I mean, um, since you and Fai are together, it . . .”

“She's dead, she killed herself when Sakura was a baby,” Kurogane said, and cut the conversation off. “I don't want to talk about it anymore.”

Karura nodded. “Okay. Yeah.”

It was pretty obvious that ne was sitting on about a hundred more questions, but maybe that was why Kurogane never wanted to talk about this, never mind what the military said. The minute you started, you had to keep going until somebody else was satisfied. Well, screw that, too.

“Can I ask you something?” Kurogane asked after a moment.

“Maybe.”

“Did you and Karyoubinga sing together? I mean, were you considering making a career out of it or something?”

Karura spent a long time with nir chin rested on nir knees and staring at Kurogane after that. Nir throat worked a word around several times, but nothing came out.

“Kary was better than me,” ne finally said. And then, “You should get some sleep. I can watch us steadily approaching the final discovery of mankind for a while. I'll wake you up if anything interesting happens.”

“Can you steer this thing?”

“No.”

“Then how about you wake me up in three hours even if you don't see anything interesting?”

“Fine.”

Kurogane wasn't ready to sleep quite yet. Ne rested with nir eyes half-closed, watching Karura until ne was sure that Karura had slipped away into nir own thoughts. Kurogane could finally pull the kids' drawings out of nir pocket and look them over. Ne'd been saving them because ne didn't want to overlook anything in the rush to get this mission started.

Ashura had drawn, with a surprising amount of giftedness, a picture of all four of them playing with the toys in the daycare room. It wasn't getting hung up in a museum anytime soon, but it wasn't bad for a seven-year-old. They were all lined up in a row with something in their hands.

Kurogane took a moment to appreciate that Ashura had put nemself next to Kurogane instead of Fai. They were playing together with what was mostly a blob but was probably supposed to be Ashura's favorite space shuttle model.

Sakura had drawn, with similar set-up, the four them taking a turn together cooking in the kitchen. It was obvious where they were by the apron ne'd put on Fai and the gigantic knife in Kurogane's hand that was nearly as big as ne was.

There was a third piece of paper.

When had that gotten there?

Kurogane shuffled it to the front, and couldn't breathe.

Fai had written a letter while the kids were drawing. At least, for a moment, that's what Kurogane thought it was. Then ne realized it wasn't exactly a letter. It was just three words.

 

> _I love you_.

Fai had covered the entire paper with it, repeating it over and over in nir loopy cursive. That was it. Front and back, just _  
_

 

> _I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you_
> 
> _I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you_
> 
> _I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you_

Kurogane passed a shaking hand over nir eyes, and carefully folded all three pages back up and put them back in nir pocket. Ne wasn't going to share this or embarrass nemself in front of Karura.

Ne did eventually doze off, with nir hand resting on nir pocket as if to keep the pages from falling out.

 

* * *

 

“Hey.”

“Hey what?” Fai responded, digging nir toes into Kurogane's side like the jerk ne was.

“I've been thinking.”

“About how sexy I am?” Fai grinned, digging nir toes in even harder—because _that_ was sexy. Fai had been stretched out the whole length of the bed, arguing that when Kurogane took nir prostheses off, that meant Fai technically needed more room then ne did. It was shitty logic, but whatever. Kurogane was just reading anyway, so ne didn't mind being forced into a corner.

“Yeah, kinda.”

Fai blinked at Kurogane in a kind of startled muteness.

“Weren't we working on how a thinly-veiled insult is not a compliment?” Fai finally said.

“No, we weren't,” Kurogane replied, rolling nir eyes. “And that wasn't supposed to be a compliment. I was thinking about how much time we spend in the same bed, though.”

“How is this _not_ about how sexy I am?” Fai continued to tease.

“Holy hell, if I skip to asking you to move in with me, will you stop being so annoying?”

“. . . what.”

“There's a few double-room dorms, and there wasn't enough families to fill them when we joined up. I asked around the single folks who are sharing the double rooms, and there's a couple who said they'd be willing to swap us for the single-room units.”

“What are you even . . . Are you serious?”

Kurogane tossed the annoying grin right back, and only briefly regretted that ne had no toes with which to retaliate.

“So really, I was thinking about how sexy I am,” Kurogane drawled, crossing nir arms behind nir head and closing nir eyes.

“I hate you,” Fai said grumpily. “You can't just spring something like this on a person!”

“Well, I was trying to lead up to it, but you forced my hand.”

“Are you _serious_?”

“Do you and Ashura want to move into a family unit with me and Sakura?” Kurogane asked more plainly, eyes still closed.

“Depends.”

“On what?” ne snapped, feeling nir stomach swoop. Of course ne had considered that Fai might not agree, but ne just wanted to hear yes or no, not ' _depends_ '.

“Look at me.”

Kurogane opened nir eyes with a fierce glare. “I'm looking.”

Fai locked their gazes together, eyes calm and face placid. Slightly dreamy, even. Just stared and stared. Kurogane blinked a couple of times, but didn't look away. Ne was serious about this, and if Fai thought a _staring contest_ would change nir mind, then Fai was more nuts than ne'd thought.

“Do you love my kid?” Fai asked.

That was not exactly the question ne'd been expecting. “I . . .”

“You play games with my kid and you read to my kid and you tuck nem into bed sometimes and watch nem when I have to work late, and you even cut star shapes out of apples for my kid, but Kurogane . . . do you love Ashura?”

“Yeah,” Kurogane said, after taking long enough that Fai would know it was a real answer. Ne had already known that ne did, but it seemed Fai hadn't. “Yeah, I love Ashura.”

“Okay,” Fai said.

“Okay?”

“Okay, let's move in together.”

“Don't sound so excited!”

Fai grinned, and threw nemself onto Kurogane's chest. “I could _get_ excited.”

“The kids are out of daycare in fifteen minutes.”

Fai pouted. “Spoilsport.”

“C'mere.”

They spent their fifteen minutes on lazy kisses. Fai pulled away long enough to say, “Are you sure about this?” but Kurogane's answer was just more kissing, so that was that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you sure about this?”

Kurogane touched the paper in nir pocket, reminding nemself of what was in there. Ne turned to Karura and nodded. Ne could feel how grim the line of nir mouth was, the sharp slash of it.

“Yeah. Let's do this.”

“What if they won't take the seedlings?”

“We have money.”

“They're not going to take money, what would be the point? We're not even close enough to other human civilization that they could spend it. What if they won't take the seedlings as payment, Kurogane?”

“We're not leaving this planet without water and fuel.”

“And what, that's your plan? Just say that to them until they get so annoyed that they give it to you just to get you to shut up?”

Kurogane grinned. “We'll see.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

That week on Eole is a shape and feeling that still settle over me at night sometimes. Mostly I remember being scared. It wasn't that I knew yet that anything bad was happening to us. It was that Ashura did, and ne was so angry during those days. Fear translated as anger, maybe, or just rage that we were being lied to. Sometimes yelling, sometimes stewing in a furious silence. I was afraid of nem.

I didn't have Ashura's sensitivity. I knew that things were not right, but I trusted Fai telling me that they would be, trusted Fai to fix it.

I trusted nem even though I barely saw nem during that time.

They moved us all onto the agriculture deck, spread blankets and pillows on the floor and told the kids we were playing a game. The adults must have realized by then what was happening, but Captain Yasha was still keeping a firm hand, and Fai was the one who was backing up the captain's words with sunny smiles and cheerful words.

There was more oxygen in the greenhouses. I guess Chitose and a few others on the agri crew knew that our food was already beginning the slow process of dying from lack of water and light, but none of them said anything.

I know now, although I did not know back then, that Fai and Yasha spent most of that week alone in an abandoned workroom, arguing in strained and painful whispers about how they would do it, if Kurogane and Karura did not come back. When they would do it.

Yasha trusted Fai, too.

Those days are mostly a blur, and I have to take official word for it that it was five days that we waited.

The fifth day, that was the day that Fai came to the agriculture deck and took us.

We were with Chitose. Ne was showing all of the kids how to prune dead leaves from the plants and look out for vines that were bearing too much weight and needed help from a wooden stick. We were having fun, with dirt under our nails and no real realization yet that we were getting very cold.

“I need to borrow these two for a few minutes,” Fai said cheerfully. Always so cheerful, in those five days, that's what I remember. Always joking, never completely serious. Ne took my hand and Ashura's hand and led us away from the others while Chitose's lips got thinner and thinner.

“Where are we going?” Ashura asked.

“Is Daddy back? Fai, Daddy came back, right?”

“We're just going to our room for a few minutes,” Fai said. “We're having fun sleeping all together, but it's hard for me to get some time with my favorite kiddos when it's so crowded!”

Now I knew I was cold. I could see a cloud of steam in front of my face, in front of Ashura's and Fai's. Cold. We started shivering.

“What happened? Did they turn off the heater?”

“Yes, sweetie, they had to turn it off for a little bit because it got broken. We need your Daddy to come back and help us get it fixed, but it's okay because ne'll be back very soon. Come on, we can get under the blankets in our room and read some books together while we wait for Kurogane.”

Ashura was already crying, tears choked by that frustrated anger at being lied to. I didn't follow suit this time, because my mind had latched on to Fai's statement that Daddy would be back soon.

We burrowed under blankets in our room and read books on our tablets together, taking turns reading out loud. The screens were the only lights in the room, because the power had been cut to the dormitories.

Ashura fell asleep first, slipping under when Fai was taking nir turn to read. I didn't fall asleep, but I felt like I wanted to. I crawled closer to Fai and put my head in nir lap. I was very dizzy by then, and my hands were sluggish. My head was hurting.

Fai stroked my hair and started to hum a song.

“ _So take me, Someplace far away_ . . .”

“Fai?” I interrupted.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Daddy isn't coming back, is ne?”

“Not today, Sakura. But soon.”

I didn't know what else to say.

“ _Please take me there_ . . .”

“Fai?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Are we going to die?”

Fai lifted me up into nir lap and let me burrow into nir chest. “Yes, sweetheart,” ne said quietly. “I don't want you to hurt or have to see what happens to the grownups, so I wanted to bring you in here with me.”

“My head hurts.”

Fai stroked my hair, and pulled a little pouch from nir pocket. There were two capped hypodermic needles inside, barely reflecting from the light of the tablet screen. “I'm sorry, love,” ne said quietly. “This will make it not hurt. Let's wait just a little bit longer, okay?”

“To see if Daddy comes back?”

“Yes.”

“Will you sing?”

“Of course I will.”

We must have stayed there for a few hours. The tablet turned off. Just us, in the pitch dark, with Ashura unconscious and me trying desperately not to be. Too afraid to feel afraid. Fai singing, singing endlessly even though ne could barely breathe.

“ _Not your past, but your present is what I seek, carefully winding back its fragile thread_ . . .”

Fai kept holding me with one hand, and the other hand kept touching the pouch of needles. Ashura was curled up against Fai's leg, and I nearly sat on nir head every time I wiggled, trying not to go to sleep. I knew I wouldn't wake up if I did.

“ _Please take me there, I want happiness_ . . .”

“Fai? Are you going to do it now?”

Fai finally started crying. “Yes, sweetheart, I'm going to do it now.”

“Are you going to wake Ashura up?”

“I think it's better if I don't.”

“Can we leave a note for Daddy?”

“We drew pictures, remember?”

“Fai, are you my Mum now?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“I love you, Mum.”

“I love you very much, Sakura.”

That's when the lights flickered back on.

We didn't know what to do, or what was going on, and we were too cold and dizzy and afraid to do anything. On a different day, at a different moment, maybe Fai would have left us there to go find out, but in the end, ne stayed there on the bed, cradling me in nir arms and letting Ashura sleep, while the air started to warm around us.

My Daddy fell through the door, breathing harsh and hair stuck up in sweaty spikes.

“Shit,” ne gasped. “Shit, shit, shit.”

Ne stumbled over the bed and grabbed all three of us up. Ne always had such big hugs.

“You're still here,” ne kept repeating. “You're still here, you're still here, you're—”

“Kurogane,” Fai said softly, stopping nem. They were kissing for a while, but I didn't mind. I stayed smashed between them and tried to wriggle a hand free so I could tug on Ashura's hair and wake nem up.

When the two of them pulled away, they were laughing, loudly and shockingly.

“You did it!” Fai shouted. “You utterly mad idiot, you did it!”

“I brought some biofuel that they had ready, that's what we used to get the systems online. I need you in our production room processing the raw supply ASAP. We have enough to keep us running for a few months, so we can get some back into storage.”

“Ichiro and Shuko have been running calculations non-stop, they've almost figured out how to reverse our jump. Not target in general, just go back to where we started. They can get us back over Cobalt and back within range of communications with Olympus.”

“How long do they need?”

“A day or two,” Fai shrugged.

Daddy's face was weird. I didn't like it.

“Okay. Well, get to work on processing, I'll join you in there as soon as I can. I gotta talk to Yasha first.”

“Okay, yeah,” Fai said, jumping up from the bed and halfway out the door before my Daddy said,

“Hey.”

It made Fai stop.

“I got your note.”

Fai didn't turn around, just stayed there by the door with nir back turned to us. I didn't know what note they were talking about.

“You ever think about saying it to my face?”

“All the time,” Fai sighed, and then ne was gone.

“What note, Daddy?”

“Never mind, Baby,” Daddy said to me, and picked me up in nir lap. Ashura was awake by then. “Hey, kiddo,” Daddy said to nem, and dragged nem into a hug with us. “You feeling okay?”

“I'm okay,” Ashura said, but sounded very confused. “Was I asleep?”

“You were asleep _forever_ ,” I told nem smugly. “Mummy was singing songs and all kinds of things while you were asleep.”

I felt it in Daddy's chest, that ne had a strange hitch in nir breathing for a moment, but ne didn't say anything.

“Ashura, can you be a big help and go to the agriculture deck and find Chitose and tell nem that there's water for the plants and Yasha will give it to nem?”

“I can do it!” Ashura said, eager to prove that ne wasn't a big baby who slept through the important stuff.

“Tell me the message again.”

“Find Chitose and say Yasha has water for the plants.”

“Good. That's good. Thank you. Love you, kiddo.”

Ashura frowned at Daddy, but ne still went to go give the message.

Daddy made me get off nir lap for a minute, so ne could stand up, then ne lifted me up onto nir hip and carried me down the hall.

“Where are we going? To talk to Yasha?”

“No, Baby.”

“But where are we going, Daddy?”

“I have to tell you something, and it's a secret. I can only tell you, for now. But I might need you to tell Fai and Yasha the secret soon. You'll know if you're supposed to tell. I promise. Can you keep a secret for at least a day or two, and then tell your Mum and the captain if you have to?”

“I don't know, Daddy. I think so.”

“I have to go make another trip.”

I gasped and held onto him with all the strength in my little fingers. “Why?”

“Something happened on the planet that wasn't very good. The beings who live there gave us lots of supplies, but they didn't think our payment was enough.”

“Did they hurt you?”

“No, Baby, but they made Karura stay behind so they could learn about humans, and I don't think that's a good idea, so I decided to go back and get Karura back.”

“But you just _got_ here!”

“I can't leave Karura all by nemself with some beings who want to keep nem locked up and won't let nem go home. That's not okay. So I have to go back and save nem. Do you understand?”

“I don't want you to!” I screamed in nir ear. “I don't want you to go away, please please don't, Daddy, don't, please—”

I screamed and cried all the way to the airlock. Daddy's shuttle was on the other side, and it took nem nearly ten minutes to pry my fingers out of nir clothing.

“Are you going to be brave for me?”

“Yes, Daddy,” I sobbed. I didn't want to be brave, I didn't _want_ to . . . but that's what being brave is, I think.

“Thank you, Baby. I'm going to come back as soon as I can. I love you more than anything, Sakura.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

“When I come back, you can ask me about your mother, okay? You can ask me anything you want. I want to tell you all about how brave your mother was.”

“Would ne be mad that I want to call Fai my Mum?”

“No, Baby, I think your mother would have really liked that. I have to go now. I'll see you soon.”

And then ne was gone.

I guess ne knew that Yasha would order Ichiro to reverse our jump as soon as ne figured out how to do it. I guess Daddy knew that Yasha wouldn't—couldn't—wait for nem.

But that was my Daddy. Ne knew all that, but ne had to try anyway.

I never saw nem again.

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Okay, everybody, this is it. We launch in fifteen.”

I run my hand over the pilot's seat in the cockpit, then climb out of our space ranger to say my goodbyes. My beautiful, beautiful ranger. All green and sleek and mine.

Ashura's hug is so tight and desperate that I can barely breathe.

“Ashura,” I squeeze out. “I don't want to die before I even take off.”

“That is not funny,” ne says, hot and angry.

“Ashura . . . you'll know, right? If something happens, you'll know. We're always connected, like you said.”

“That's not exactly a comfort, is it? You're my sibling, Sakura, I don't want to lose you.”

“You're not going to lose me, and you know it. I've been . . . _we've_ been waiting our whole lives for this. I'm not going to screw it up. Ashura, you know everything will be all right.”

“I don't know that,” ne muttered, but ne let me go anyway. “But I do trust you. And I love you. Be safe.”

Ashura's sharp eyes fall on Syaoran.

“Take care of my sibling,” ne says, like a threat.

Fai interrupts before Syaoran can say anything. “You two take care of each other,” ne says softly, and reaches out for us both. We walk into Fai's arms, let nem embrace us. “Syaoran, you're a part of our family now, and I love you, too. Take care of yourself, and you two please look out for each other.”

“You know we will,” I say.

Syaoran and I met when I caught nem digging through the trash behind my flight school. People are always asking where ne came from, and nobody ever gets that it's not a joke when Syaoran says that we picked nem up out of the trash.

Fai is influential, really influential, because of the work ne has done for rich people and government contracts. Cloning has a weird legal history, it was made illegal again just after Syaoran was created and therefore Syaoran's existence was illegal for most of nir life. Nir creators should have fought for nir rights, but they didn't. Hence the homelessness and trash bins.

Once I found nem, Fai was the one who fought for nem. Syaoran was embarrassed and scared, but all Fai really had to do in the end was threaten to retire. That got Syaoran nir legal rights. Me and Fai and Ashura, we were the ones who convinced Syaoran ne's real, ne's just as important as everyone else, ne should be allowed to join flight school if ne wanted to.

We graduated together.

I heard people used to do rings, but that's not really a thing anymore. Still, we turned our flight school pins into matching pendants. We never take them off.

“Fai?”

“Yes, love?”

“Thank you.”

“For what, sweetheart?”

“For everything. For being my Mum. I wish we could take you with us. You deserve . . . I just wish you could come.”

“One of us needs to be here to monitor the situation, alert emergency responders if it goes wrong, reverse your coordinates if you're in trouble . . . I want it to be me. Besides, you two are the pilots. I can't fly that thing.”

“I'll bet you could if you spent three hours with the manual,” I tease nem.

“It's okay, Sakura. I've been waiting on your dad for sixteen years. Another few days won't kill me.”

I touch a hand to the silver patches growing in at nir temples. They're hard to see, since nir hair is so light anyway. I wish again, that Grandmother could be here. She died when I was seventeen, though.

“Kurogane had enough chances to be a hero. Now it's your turn to save nem, right?”

I grin at him. “Exactly.”

“You are so like him,” Fai whispers, suddenly.

“Nicer, though,” Ashura pipes in.

Fai laughs, and that's our signal. Syaoran and I climb into our ranger, and ne hits the button to seal the cockpit.

“I love you both so much!” I shout, just before it closes.

We put in our coordinates. Fai and Uncle Icchan perfected this technology three years ago, but the legal ramifications are still being hammered out in court. When we come back, we kinda might be arrested.

I don't care.

I'm going to get my Daddy back.

See, I don't think ne's dead. I don't think Karura is, either. I don't know anything about the beings they encountered, but I know it's senseless to kill something that you could get to know. I remember what ne said that day, that they wanted to learn about humans. You can't learn much if they're dead.

I think they're alive, and I'm going to bring them home.

 

* * *

 

It's a scratch in the dark.

Then it's a squeal and a long hiss.

“Fai?”

Fai bolts upright in bed and runs across the room to the management panel where ne is keeping tabs on Sakura and Syaoran. That's their comm signal!

“I'm here, I'm here, go on, talk to me.”

“Fai, they . . .” A buzz of interruption, of coding and clicking that means the signal is not carrying well. It's not a surprise. “Not here . . . At least five years . . . studied them . . . gave them supplies and let them . . . we can't come . . . find them . . . Fai, we will, we'll . . . Everything will be—”

“Sakura!” Fai shouts into the receiver. “Sakura, I hear you. They're not there? You're going to find them?”

“you, Mum . . . miss you . . .”

“You were right?”

“. . . haha, I was right! It's going to be . . . find them and bring . . . love . . .”

“I love you too, sweetheart. I love you both. Be safe.”

“ . . . when we can . . .”

The noises cut off.

Fai pads over to the lamp, turns it on, sits down. Ne puts nir head in nir hands. Later, ne will be terrified and confused and aching. For now, it is enough to know that there's still hope.

 

* * *

 

_in perfect orbit they have circled_

_as the light of many worlds falls softly on their skin_

_and days here pass like minutes_

_one moment a brilliant daylight will shift into the next_

_a flash of dark behind some distant, lost moon_

_and then it is over_

_like the pause before waking_

_sleep is replaced by light, and life, and hope_

_it is the light of one far-away sun_

_that has beckoned them to leave_

_and the hope of home that has lifted them from slumber_

_the hope that though the dark may come_

_the sun also rises_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> I was making a playlist, but then I was busy so I didn't actually, you know, MAKE THE PLAYLIST. Nevertheless, here are the tracks:  
> 1) Brave Saint Saturn; The Light Of Things Hoped For; Prologue  
> 2) M83; Oblivion OST; I'm Sending You Away  
> 3) Sigur Rós; Takk; Svo hljótt  
> 4) Beach House; Devotion; Some Things Last A Long Time  
> 5) Bastille; Bad Blood; Oblivion  
> 6) M83; Oblivion OST; Star Waves  
> 7) Jars of Clay; Much Afraid; Frail  
> 8) Jónsi; Go; Tornado
> 
> Please don't forget to head back over to my post on the KuroFai Dreamwidth community to leave your scores. Scores posted to AO3 will NOT be counted!!
> 
> http://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/85277.html


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